Verbal High Fives

I recently went on an international flight. I was meant to fly on the 23rd of December but my flight was cancelled due to “extreme weather conditions” at my destination. “Extreme weather conditions” is a term used by airlines when their staff just want to take the day off. It is such an incredibly versatile term that it can be used by anyone in any situation. Allow me to demonstrate:  Mom: Jonny! Why did you hit your sister with a cricket bat?  Jonny: Extreme weather conditions made me do it! University Lecturer: Samantha, where is your final dissertation? Samantha: Extreme weather conditions ate it. CEO: Your honour, I could not fill in my company’s tax returns online for the last 10 years due to extreme weather conditions. In the end, I flew on Christmas Eve. Due to a backlog of passengers created by “extreme weather conditions,” my travel agent advised me to arrive at the airport 5 hours early to ensure I got my seat on the plane. I checked in and spent the ...

I was driving home the other evening in my friend’s car when suddenly … nothing happened! Literally; the car just died in the middle of a traffic circle [roundabout] . Fortunately the car had enough momentum left to exit the traffic circle and, as I inched along the road at a speed normally associated with a racing slug, I deemed it “somewhat ambitious” to try and still make it home by “travelling mainly downhill.” So I pulled over and there I was; stranded at 9:30pm in a dark side road with no street lights while the car enjoyed an ill-timed power nap. As I waited for my friend to come and tow me home, I passed the time by considering every conceivable type of danger (both real and imaginary) that could possibly befall me; a helpless maiden stuck in her snoozing chariot in the perilous night. In a matter of minutes, I’d thrown all logic aside and mentally tormented myself to such a degree that I was thoroughly convinced I wasn’t going to make it out of this experience alive – after ...

I am favorably inclined towards collecting. I have a long and vivid history of collecting things that serve absolutely no benefit to me whatsoever; such as funny magazine adverts and Boys2Men CDs. At one stage during my colourful teen years I was collecting an alarming total of 23 different things which, for the sake of my dignity, I shall refrain from naming. I am no longer a “collector” as such but I do have a fondness for hording, so last Saturday I decided it was time for a thorough spring clean. I ended up throwing out roughly 2 metric tons of arbitrary items I’d been saving for the last 7 years, including a wooden candle holder in the shape of a foot with a raised big toe that is ugly enough to call into question whether I should ever be allowed to shop for household items unsupervised. (Don’t judge me; I’m just as horrified as you are!!) At the end of my spring clean, I had a full garbage bag of old bank statements I wanted to get rid of. And, since I don’t own a shredder, ...

Oh, it’s a most wonderful time of the year – a brief couple of weeks in which one can get away with saying things like “Hark,” “Excelsis!” and “Troll the ancient Yule tide carol” and not even be detained for mental evaluation by the Straight Jacket Society. The Christmas lights are up and the Christmas music is playing merrily in the hallowed halls of the shopping malls. If you are an adult, it’s the season to be cultivating your stomach ulcers by means of shopping-induced stress, if you are a child, ‘tis the season to be freaked out by Santa. Upon visiting two local shopping malls within the last week, I have been somewhat distressed by their Santas. The Santa in the mall where I work is home-made, and it has a face-mask that has no eyes. As if that weren’t freaky enough, he is perched precariously on a ledge three storeys up and has a sign dangling from his neck that states ‘Suicidal Santa’ in large black letters!! The other mall’s Santa wasn’t wearing any underpants and had...

This week I was in the kitchen cooking dinner when I was attacked by ANOTHER Christmas beetle! It crashed into my elbow while I was stirring the chicken pasta. I got such a fright I screamed hysterically and temporarily forgot I was holding a spoon in the pot. On reflex, I thrashed my arm wildly in order to flick the darn thing off. Instead I just succeeded in launching a large piece of saucy chicken into the air – or as Buzz Lightyear prefers to call it, “To infinity and beyond!”   - because though I searched the kitchen carefully, I could not find it anywhere. In my hunt for the AWOL piece of chicken, I did manage to locate a Rain Spider so hideously large and hairy it looked as though it was sporting a large Chihuahua dog as a scarf. It skulked off and slunk behind the curtain with body language that proclaimed; “Follow me and you’ll lose a limb.” There were also a variety of flippy flying things harassing my kitchen light fixture and a slug leisurely mincing around on my bath...

Yesterday it was my turn to teach in our children’s churches youngest age group; the 2-5 year olds. Now, I always enjoying spending time with the kids because they just see the world in the most delightful way and being with them always reminds me how much a humble biscuit can do to bring peace and reconciliation among be-huffed little humans. I was tasked with telling the Bible story to a group of seventeen of them. Not to brag, but I think I did a decent job because I managed to avoid instigating a mass nose-picking-from-boredom situation during my story. Trust me; you can be thoroughly impressed – this really is easier said than done. Afterwards, I was asked to take a 3 year old girl to the bathroom, to answer nature’s call. Personal Disclaimer: Before I go any further, I would like to state for the record that I am currently not a mommy and I haven’t read ‘ The Idiot’s Guide To Taking Small Children To The Bathroom ’ and, hence there are some gaping holes in my understanding o...

Ahoy! You may have heard on the news that a week ago Somali pirates struck again and kidnapped two South African sailors. The South Africans were taken from their yacht, just off the Kenyan coast, and are still being held as hostages on the Somali main lands. Aquatic Alarm: the pirating business is booming; up 15% from 2009! Between January and September this year, pirates have sweet talked their way onto 128 ships worldwide - using only their swashbuckling charm, automatic weapons, and rocket propelled grenades to injure 27 crew members, kill 1, and take 773 others hostage. The International Maritime Bureau would have us believe that they’re doing all they can to quell pirating but claim that with Limewire and other pirating software freely available on the internet, there is little they can do to prevent pirates from pillaging sea vessels and downloading music illegally. A recent statement released by the International Maritime Bureau warns mariners “to be extra cautious and tak...

Last night I must have set a new land speed record for “The Swiftest Semi-Asleep Human Exiting a Bed at 2.49am.” I was fast asleep when a belligerent Christmas Beetle landed on my cheek with a resounding thump and proceeded to raucously lounge around on my face, buzzing loudly in such a manner as to convey the message “Wakey, wakey sleepy head!” This startling Christmas beetle encounter could only mean that right now ~ and just brace yourself for this acutely unsettling thought ~ somewhere in the world David Hasselhoff could be creating a Christmas cd. (Oh the unspeakable horror!!!!!!!!!!!) But let’s not dwell too long on the nightmarish implications of that, lest we all lose the will to live. Rather let’s focus on the task at hand which is festive procrastination; the annual job of ushering in the holidays by putting off doing our Christmas gift shopping until the very last minute. Q) Why do we do this to ourselves year after year? A) Because it is the only way to guarantee tha...

Cha Sa-soon, a 69 year old South Korean grandmother, has just passed her 960th driving test (960 -that is not a typo). Ironically her name means ‘vehicle’ in Korean. I’m not sure which part of her name means ‘vehicle’ in Korean but perhaps the first part means ‘avoid the’ in another language... When it comes to driving, I’ve heard it said that “practice makes perfect” but I disagree because old people are generally such bad drivers and they’ve been practicing the longest. In fact, when it comes to the elderly driving, practice just makes hazardous for most other road users - including wildlife and low-flying aircraft. The problem with the more “mature” driver is twofold:   They usually drive cars so old that their maximum driving speed does not exceed that of a relaxed glacier.   Most elderly couples tend to use the “wingman co-pilot” driving technique wherein the vision-impaired husband driver relies solely on instructions given by his wife in order to direct their movi...

I consider myself a semi-professional-operation-haver because I am rather accomplished at requiring regular hospitalization. Not to brag; but once I even managed to get admitted to hospital just for having chicken pox… If they had a hospital version of the Frequent Flyer program, I’d be a Platinum Member by now. Last week I once again assumed the role of medical patient in order to sort out a pinched nerve I’d been suffering with. I checked in at 6.30am and was admitted into a 4 bedroom ward. Waiting on my bed was the traditional humiliating operation gown that says “ These are my buttocks ” when you wear them. Next, a nurse drove me into theatre (I am using the terms “into theatre” here in the sense of “literally into EVERYTHING in between my ward and the operating table - including six door frames, a lot of extremely expensive machinery, a cleaning cart, an innocent pot plant, a fruit fly, three surprised nurses, and two doctors scrubbing in for surgery.) You think I’m joking but I’m...

As an alert radio listener, I was quietly alarmed when I heard on Eye Witness News this morning that astronomers at Sheffield University, in cahoots with some more in Chile, have been “weighing” a star. According to The Guardian (and various other vaguely reputable online news sites) astrophysicists and astronomers have been using “the Very Large Telescope (VLT)” in “the Atacama desert of northern Chile” to “study R136a1” -> what they believe is “the largest star in our neighbouring galaxy”. The GOSEAAA (Group of Somewhat Excited Astrophysicists And Astronomers) believe it is the “most colossal star on record” and apparently the logical conclusion to such a discovery is that it simply must be weighed. The online article continued on to say that “Astronomers also have a limited range in which to look for them [stars].  In clusters that are too far away, it isn't always possible to tell if a telescope has picked up on one heavyweight star or two smaller ones in close proximity... ...

On Saturday South Africans witnessed the defiant rise of the animal kingdom during the semi-final of the Absa Currie Cup in Durban between the Sharks and Vodacom Blue Bulls. A large swarm of bees delayed the start of the semi final rugby match by 45 minutes when they arrived just before kick-off and laid claim to the rugby pitch. The bees mingled on the lawn and made rugby-relatedsmall talk such as “Where is the pollen?” while the match organizers diplomatically tried to encourage them to move on. Commentators and fans alike were utterly astonished by this rare interference from the animal kingdom and scientists immediately began researching whether bees prefer watching rugby directly from the pitch or on tv. The sobering truth, however, is that the animal kingdom is revolting. And by “revolting” I obviously mean “uprising.” For centuries the animal kingdom has been the unfortunate source of scientists’ incredibly overdeveloped (and misplaced) inquisitive minds. Scientists the world ov...

Last week I went to see a range of doctors because I wasn’t feeling well and we all know that that is the only surefire way to guarantee one spends exorbitant amounts of money to be told what ISN’T wrong with your body. Finally a doctor actually gave me a diagnosis and I need an operation to release a pinched nerve in my right side. I was prescribed medication to help with the pain but it made me drowsy (I am using the term “drowsy” here in the sense of “unintentional power naps during peak hour traffic”). Two days (and countless power naps) later I was prescribed a non-drowsy painkiller which I’d never heard of before but I took two and hoped for the best. Later that day I experienced some unusual reactions to the medication so I read the medicine’s information leaflet to find out whether I should be pre-booking a bed in a nearby emergency room. Now I’m the type of girl that is easily given to excessive anxiety so I really shouldn’t watch CSI late at night or read these medication l...

Last week I attended a national school drummies competition in which my friend’s two children were participating. I spent 3 hours watching hundreds of children perform; only a very small percentage of which were my friend’s kids. And it was dazzling! I have never seen so many sequins assembled in large, shimmering, organized packs within a 500m radius. They really should give spectators at these events complimentary sunglasses to prevent sequin-induced retina damage. But by the end of the event, I must admit, I left with sequin envy; thoroughly convinced that my wardrobe is incomplete without the fashion awesomeness of a shimmering gold sequined number. Seeing as I’d never experienced a drummies competition I went with the naïve expectation that it was all about maces, flags and choreography.  Rookie mistake. It’s all about blasting the music so loud your ears bleed! No, wait - maybe it’s also about synchronization. Some of these teams were so synchronized that they marched with ...

This week’s WWTT (what were they thinking) news topic is the United Nations’ decision to appoint an Alien Ambassador who would perform the “meet and greet” in the event that we are visited by an extraterrestrial life form. In the face of such an unconventional UN move, the burning question on everybody’s mind currently is, “Would Lady Gaga design the outfit that the alien ambassador would wear to the initial meet and greet?” The answer: No, it would be Darth Vader’s seamstress.    Certainly this UN move is somewhat “out there” but it’s going to happen whether or not they’ve fired the science-fiction-obsessed UN employee who came up with this ridiculous idea while wearing his Star Trek pajamas. In fact, the UN already has someone in mind – an “obscure Malaysian astrophysicist” to be vaguely specific. Now I’m not judging - I’m just saying: the UN is totally nuts to try pick someone all by themselves. They can’t make a decision like this without the input of at least everyone ...

Recently I went to the pharmacy to get some Corenza (which, for my overseas readers, is medicine for colds & flu). But I ended up asking the pharmacist for Corega (which is a denture adhesive! Those of you who have read my previous blog on Selective Verbal Dyslexia will understand why I did this.) Realizing my error, I flashed the amused pharmacist my best non-false teeth smile and valiantly pressed ahead to correct my order. But I am getting ahead of myself here. This was at 9:04am - let’s go back a few minutes to 8:57am when things got really interesting.   8.57am: I walk down to the pharmacy and use my ninja-like heightened sense of perception to work out that the pharmacy is currently closed. There are 5 people milling around outside the closed pharmacy including an elderly woman who is standing REALLY close to the glass door.   8.58am: The old lady looks pointedly at her watch, releases a loud sigh of frustration, and peers around at us to check that we all kn...

Clearly I’m out of the loop when it comes to what the Canadian Military are up to because I only just discovered, thanks to some cutting-edge journalistic investigation, that just over a decade ago the Canadian Military ventured out into a vital new field of National Defense; namely female lingerie. In 1998 Canada launched a $184-million program to develop the world’s first “combat bra” for female soldiers. They called it the BTU Project – which is an official Canadian acronym for either “Brassiere Temperate Underwear Project” or “Bolster Them Up Project”. What do brassieres have to do with defending a nation, you ask? Well, according to many high-ranking Canadian army personnel, a combat brassiere is a “military necessity” because sports bras – and I know this may be a shocking revelation – “push the breasts together at the front.” Don’t see the link yet? Well, this “cleavage situation” can create a minor distraction hazard in combat which could result in distracted male soldiers be...

I just spent my weekend with 40 children between the ages of 5 and 13 on a children’s’ church camp. Right now I bet you're thinking “40 KIDS - I bet you never got any sleep!” Unfortunately, you are correct. I’m no expert but if you suffer from insomnia and you want to experience the joys of narcolepsy I strongly recommend going on a kids’ camp. This weekend I discovered that, theoretically, I could function on less than 4 hours sleep a night. I say ''theoretically'' because due to severe sleep deprivation, by lunch time on Sunday my vital output levels had declined to the level of an asparagus. Nevertheless it really was an enjoyable weekend. On Friday night no one slept because children apparently believe sleep is only for the weak. Instead they were up all night eating vast quantities of sweets and shrieking loudly to ensure everyone in the Paarl area knew their blood content was 98% sugar. As a result on Saturday morning 40 severely sleep-deprived children dash...

I am somewhat “into” hygiene and cleanliness. I think the unsung heroes of our generation are the Swedish geniuses who invented self-cleaning toilets. Furthermore, my idea of an “ideal guy” is Mr. Muscle; a man who not only LOVES household cleaning but looks terrific disinfecting surfaces whilst clad in orange lycra. This morning I was online reading the New York Times website when I came across an article dated 23 Feb 1999 entitled, ' On Germ Patrol, at the Kitchen Sink' . Obviously a title like this instantly appealed to my “somewhat into hygiene” gene, so I eagerly read it. I don’t know when the New York Times stopped writing cutting edge investigative news articles and started producing horrific horror pieces, but they really should have put a warning on their website that reads: “ WARNING: Not suitable for sensitive viewers or people who can’t read. This website may contain traces of nuts and information that will drive you nuts. Do not read while sleeping or operating h...

I love cats. I do not love washing a cat. Any cat owner knows that washing a cat is an extreme sport in which only those that possess a reckless disregard for their safety may participate… because a cat always interprets a bath as a hostile maneuver. I have had the incredible misfortune of washing many cats in my lifetime and the experiences have ranged from mildly painful to deeply traumatic. Catsmylove.com is a marvelous website that I discovered last week which is brimming with everything cat-related. The language featured on this website is unlike any I have ever had the pleasure of reading. In particular I found one article there on bathing cats that was very informative. Sadly the website domain has since expired; I really hope they renew it so you will be able to read it yourself. In the meantime I shall share the main points with you. ‘ It is not enough that in care of cats brings so not enough pleasure as necessity a cat to wash. Fortunately, cats, clean by the nature,...

Have you noticed that there is an alarming upsurge in the amount of very strange people lurking on our planet? Without placing the blame on anything in particular; I think it is entirely the fault of the internet. In my opinion, the World Wide Web is nurturing the unprecedented growth and expansion of human weirdness. It is a horrifying but statistical fact that all over the modern world educated people are joining bizarre online Appreciation Societies – not under compulsion or duress (nor under threat of death) but WILLFULLY! Truly there are large groups of like-minded people who, thanks to the internet, have managed to unite into nonsensical masses such as: The Pants Appreciation Society (Yes, we’re talking underwear here), The Pink Haired Weirdo Appreciation Society, The Gnome Appreciation Society, The Semicolon Appreciation Society, The Smoldering Men Appreciation Society, The Roundabout Appreciation Society, The Fart Appreciation Society, The Traffic Cones Appreciation Society, ...

I have been very busy the last two weeks learning to talk “receptionist”. I recently started a temporary job as a receptionist covering for a lady going on maternity leave. It turns out that being the ‘Face of the Company’ requires substantially more than merely good looks, a sunny disposition, and a full set of teeth… a receptionist needs to possess the Jedi-like power of taming the switchboard monster. I have found this to be somewhat challenging for 2 reasons: Firstly: There are 35 people working in this place and I’m struggling to learn all their names. At this point directing an incoming call to the correct staff member is as easy as putting lipstick on a buffalo. And apparently it is unhelpful to respond to the question “Is [Name] in the office?” with “Your guess is as good as mine”. Secondly: Every day at work contains all the ingredients for a cerebral challenge that rarely exists outside of the Mental Calculation World Cup. Why? Because I suffer from a (self-diagnosed) syndro...

Just when I thought the British couldn’t get any more amusing I discover yet another gem of originality wrapped up in health & safety paranoia. I learnt there was such a thing as a ‘Wife Carrying Championship’ held in Dorking, England during March of this year. Right off the bat I have 2 points to make: 1. What is becoming of the dignified world of competitive sport? 2. Can we truly be surprised by anything people from a town called “Dorking” do? Now it seems the British have tossed aside their ‘conservative’ image and thrown all caution to the wind (I use the word ‘caution’ here in the sense of ‘all things logical’). And I quote from their website... “Males or females carry a 'wife' (who must be at least 18 and can be male or female, and does not need to be the carrier's wife). All those carried must wear a helmet. All entrants win delicious Pilgrim Brewery ale - the winners win the wife's weight in beer! All entrants will start off at the same time, and the first ...