The Animals Are Revolting

On Saturday South Africans witnessed the defiant rise of the animal kingdom during the semi-final of the Absa Currie Cup in Durban between the Sharks and Vodacom Blue Bulls. A large swarm of bees delayed the start of the semi final rugby match by 45 minutes when they arrived just before kick-off and laid claim to the rugby pitch. The bees mingled on the lawn and made rugby-relatedsmall talk such as “Where is the pollen?” while the match organizers diplomatically tried to encourage them to move on. Commentators and fans alike were utterly astonished by this rare interference from the animal kingdom and scientists immediately began researching whether bees prefer watching rugby directly from the pitch or on tv. The sobering truth, however, is that the animal kingdom is revolting. And by “revolting” I obviously mean “uprising.”

For centuries the animal kingdom has been the unfortunate source of scientists’ incredibly overdeveloped (and misplaced) inquisitive minds. Scientists the world over have courageously dedicated their lives to coming up with new and more innovative ways of humiliating the animal kingdom in order to publish meaningless papers which pose no threat whatsoever of benefitting the universe in any way.

Here are just a few distressing examples of scientific studies conducted by the Worldwide Association of Obscure Scientists Quickly Losing Their Minds:

• 1993: Paul Williams Jr. and Kenneth W. Newel pioneered a vital study to determine the level of Salmonella excretion in joy-riding pigs. (A regular occurrence in which town?) 
• 2003: Jack Harvey, John Culvenor, Warren Payne, (and a team of 4 other Australian weirdoes) researched and published a life-changing report entitled "An analysis of the forces required to drag sheep over various surfaces". (The sheep are still in therapy…) 
• 2005: Victor Benno Meyer-Rochow and József Gál used the principles of physics to study the pressure that builds up inside a penguin when it poops. 
• 2007: Patricia V. Agostino, Santiago A. Plano and Diego A. Golombek, felt the unexplainable need to investigate whether hamsters recovered from jetlag quicker when they were given Viagra. (In case you’re fascinated; they do.)  
• And in 2010 – a crowning triumph of modern scientific study - Karina Acevedo-Whitehouse, Agnes Rocha-Gosselin and Diane Gendron perfected the best way to use a remote-controlled helicopter to collect - wait for it - whale snot.

And thus it dawns on you like a brightly dawning thing; the reason why the animals are revolting. They’ve had enough of these bold biological detectives invading their world, their lives, and – far too often – their bodily orifices. Be warned: this thing works both ways. So don’t be surprised if you’re innocently surfing one day and a whale comes up and rams your surfboard up your left nostril… he is just researching the effects of “Involuntary Unilateral Nostril Breathing in Humans.” It’s payback and it’s long overdue. Just be grateful it’s not a penguin!