I only ask because I recently embarked on a new, let’s be generous and call it a “somewhat restrictive” diet in which you try to cut out most lectins from what you eat. As we all know, lectins are a type of really toxic carbohydrate-binding protein that exists in plants so they’re basically lurking in almost everything we eat and cause all kinds of havoc inside our bodies. This means I’ve had to cut out any vegetables that contain seeds, as well as all fruit, beans, soy, legumes, grains, bread, pasta, potatoes, rice, cereal, dairy products made from cow’s milk, GMO foods, seeds, some nuts, sugar, pastries, and anything left that’s even remotely fun to eat (plus, I've been a vegetarian for 4 years already)... leaving me to survive on merely lettuce, fresh air, optimism and will power. Just kidding - on most days, I really struggle to feel optimistic about lettuce.
Any sensible person may wonder what could possibly cause me to explore, and clearly exceed, the limits of culinary common sense in such a manner. And to those people I would say that I’m subjecting myself to this form of voluntary torture because I suffer from chronic migraines. I typically get around 3-4 migraines a week which is pretty inconvenient in terms of, you know, living and stuff. So when I heard about this diet which claims to be able to cure migraines among many other illnesses, I was willing to trial it for 3 months to see if it worked for me. Heck, I’m so desperate to live a migraine-free existence, if it would cure my migraines, I would be willing to just eat Kryptonite while watching only musicals and sat next to a lycra-clad Donald Trump for 3 months straight! (The alert readers may be picking up on the incredibly subtle subtext here: yes, I do have an enduring loathing of musicals and of Trump and of the flagrant way that lycra has recently been rampantly permeating the fashion industry, totally unchecked... But that could just be the sugar-deprived malnutrition speaking.)
Anywhooselbies. For those of you who have never been on this style of diet before where you cut out both carbs and sugar (the body’s primary energy sources) simultaneously - let me tell you this; you are in for a real gastronomical treat within the first two weeks! In the first ten days, while my body was still transitioning from getting its energy from carbs and sugar to getting it from cruciferous veggies and the air particles surrounding my very being, it felt like all of my limbs were going to voluntarily fall off my body at any point, you know; to conserve energy for survival. From day seven, I knew the lack of sugar was getting to me when I found myself really looking forward to brushing my teeth twice a day because the minty toothpaste tasted incredibly terrific so I began drinking herbal teas in a desperate attempt to satiate my desire for something slightly sweeter. Now I’ve never been a tea drinker before because there’s something quite creepy to me about eagerly sipping something that’s the colour of a urine sample but, people, diets make you do desperate things! On the evening of day nine, as I climbed the stairs after work on shaking, hunger-weakened limbs, it dawned on me that the word ‘diet’ actually has the word ‘die’ lurking ominously right there inside it... and I wondered; is that a disclaimer, a warning, or a promise?
Turns out; it was a warning - at least for my husband. You see, when you are on a diet, things you’d previously found quite easy to do become so much harder to do because with dieting comes the potential for depths of lunacy and heights of aggression that you previously didn't even know were possible within you. And consequently, things you'd previously taken for granted become near-impossible! Things like not killing your husband by exploding in livid fury and stabbing him with a spoon from your teacup (that's currently holding your latest urine-coloured beverage) when he foolishly dares to make microwave popcorn as you watch a movie together, becomes a formidable challenge that requires you to tap into all your reserves of self-control to resist. I mean SERIOUSLY ladies and gentlemen - making microwave popcorn in the cold light of day! Is there a more tortuous smell to ever waft up the deprived nasal passages of someone basically living on a diet of rabbit food than the smell of freshly popped popcorn?!? He might as well have subjected me to a flipping musical marathon - it was just as torturous. I heroically left the living room and spent an hour in the bedroom until the delicious reek had fully dissipated, lest I did something I would regret later...
By that I mean: lest I cheated on my diet and ate the popcorn… jeesh people; my husband is still very much alive with no teaspoon-shaped holes in him, but now he thinks twice before making popcorn if I’m in the house - turns out, the “somewhat restrictive diet” applies to both of us, poor guy!
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