Verbal High Fives

This week’s WWTT (what were they thinking) news topic is the United Nations’ decision to appoint an Alien Ambassador who would perform the “meet and greet” in the event that we are visited by an extraterrestrial life form. In the face of such an unconventional UN move, the burning question on everybody’s mind currently is, “Would Lady Gaga design the outfit that the alien ambassador would wear to the initial meet and greet?” The answer: No, it would be Darth Vader’s seamstress.    Certainly this UN move is somewhat “out there” but it’s going to happen whether or not they’ve fired the science-fiction-obsessed UN employee who came up with this ridiculous idea while wearing his Star Trek pajamas. In fact, the UN already has someone in mind – an “obscure Malaysian astrophysicist” to be vaguely specific. Now I’m not judging - I’m just saying: the UN is totally nuts to try pick someone all by themselves. They can’t make a decision like this without the input of at least everyone ...

Recently I went to the pharmacy to get some Corenza (which, for my overseas readers, is medicine for colds & flu). But I ended up asking the pharmacist for Corega (which is a denture adhesive! Those of you who have read my previous blog on Selective Verbal Dyslexia will understand why I did this.) Realizing my error, I flashed the amused pharmacist my best non-false teeth smile and valiantly pressed ahead to correct my order. But I am getting ahead of myself here. This was at 9:04am - let’s go back a few minutes to 8:57am when things got really interesting.   8.57am: I walk down to the pharmacy and use my ninja-like heightened sense of perception to work out that the pharmacy is currently closed. There are 5 people milling around outside the closed pharmacy including an elderly woman who is standing REALLY close to the glass door.   8.58am: The old lady looks pointedly at her watch, releases a loud sigh of frustration, and peers around at us to check that we all kn...

Clearly I’m out of the loop when it comes to what the Canadian Military are up to because I only just discovered, thanks to some cutting-edge journalistic investigation, that just over a decade ago the Canadian Military ventured out into a vital new field of National Defense; namely female lingerie. In 1998 Canada launched a $184-million program to develop the world’s first “combat bra” for female soldiers. They called it the BTU Project – which is an official Canadian acronym for either “Brassiere Temperate Underwear Project” or “Bolster Them Up Project”. What do brassieres have to do with defending a nation, you ask? Well, according to many high-ranking Canadian army personnel, a combat brassiere is a “military necessity” because sports bras – and I know this may be a shocking revelation – “push the breasts together at the front.” Don’t see the link yet? Well, this “cleavage situation” can create a minor distraction hazard in combat which could result in distracted male soldiers be...

I just spent my weekend with 40 children between the ages of 5 and 13 on a children’s’ church camp. Right now I bet you're thinking “40 KIDS - I bet you never got any sleep!” Unfortunately, you are correct. I’m no expert but if you suffer from insomnia and you want to experience the joys of narcolepsy I strongly recommend going on a kids’ camp. This weekend I discovered that, theoretically, I could function on less than 4 hours sleep a night. I say ''theoretically'' because due to severe sleep deprivation, by lunch time on Sunday my vital output levels had declined to the level of an asparagus. Nevertheless it really was an enjoyable weekend. On Friday night no one slept because children apparently believe sleep is only for the weak. Instead they were up all night eating vast quantities of sweets and shrieking loudly to ensure everyone in the Paarl area knew their blood content was 98% sugar. As a result on Saturday morning 40 severely sleep-deprived children dash...