Clearly I’m out of the loop when it comes to what the Canadian Military are up to because I only just discovered, thanks to some cutting-edge journalistic investigation, that just over a decade ago the Canadian Military ventured out into a vital new field of National Defense; namely female lingerie. In 1998 Canada launched a $184-million program to develop the world’s first “combat bra” for female soldiers. They called it the BTU Project – which is an official Canadian acronym for either “Brassiere Temperate Underwear Project” or “Bolster Them Up Project”.
What do brassieres have to do with defending a nation, you ask? Well, according to many high-ranking Canadian army personnel, a combat brassiere is a “military necessity” because sports bras – and I know this may be a shocking revelation – “push the breasts together at the front.” Don’t see the link yet? Well, this “cleavage situation” can create a minor distraction hazard in combat which could result in distracted male soldiers being shot. Hence a problem with operational effectiveness. Hence the National Defense problem. It’s really quite logical.
In order to produce the combat brassiere the Canadian Army conducted a survey of their female soldiers which revealed that designing a combat bra would be about as complex as placating the middle-east. Therefore, in July 2000 this life-saving project was cancelled, leaving male troopers to continue fighting the good fight against the Cleavage of Doom.
This incident raises some troubling questions including (but not limited to):
Q1) If the Canadian Military Dress Task Force couldn’t manage to create a combat brassiere then how come mere civilians such as Lady Gaga were able to invent one for her latest music video “Alejandro”? Her one even features tandem-mounted machine guns. Now I’m no military expert but I think this type of bra would not only solve the military’s “cleavage exposure issue” but would have the added benefit of tripling the wearer’s fire-power.
Q2) How come Lady Gaga can’t remember Alejandro’s name in her own song, which is CALLED Alejandro? Did no one have the guts to tell her she was calling him “Fernando” and “Roberto” by mistake? That’s kinda embarrassing!
This week the SAPS released the annual crime statistics which revealed that “crime is on the rise again”. But there’s really no need to be alarmed, unless you are alive and unharmed and want to keep it that way. So I say South Africa’s Minister of Defense should seize the moment and initiate the Lady Gaga Brassiere Project. In our increasingly violent society I believe that all women (and some well-endowed men) would benefit from these covert self-defense brassieres. I’m not saying we should load these combat bras with real bullets – smallish elephant tranquilizer darts would work nicely - but I am saying combat underwear could be the solution to our surging national crime rate. You see, Mrs. Minister of Defense, we civilians would prefer to keep our lives as fatality-free as possible and not many of us can afford to hire Lady Gaga as a personal body guard.
What do brassieres have to do with defending a nation, you ask? Well, according to many high-ranking Canadian army personnel, a combat brassiere is a “military necessity” because sports bras – and I know this may be a shocking revelation – “push the breasts together at the front.” Don’t see the link yet? Well, this “cleavage situation” can create a minor distraction hazard in combat which could result in distracted male soldiers being shot. Hence a problem with operational effectiveness. Hence the National Defense problem. It’s really quite logical.
In order to produce the combat brassiere the Canadian Army conducted a survey of their female soldiers which revealed that designing a combat bra would be about as complex as placating the middle-east. Therefore, in July 2000 this life-saving project was cancelled, leaving male troopers to continue fighting the good fight against the Cleavage of Doom.
This incident raises some troubling questions including (but not limited to):
Q1) If the Canadian Military Dress Task Force couldn’t manage to create a combat brassiere then how come mere civilians such as Lady Gaga were able to invent one for her latest music video “Alejandro”? Her one even features tandem-mounted machine guns. Now I’m no military expert but I think this type of bra would not only solve the military’s “cleavage exposure issue” but would have the added benefit of tripling the wearer’s fire-power.
Q2) How come Lady Gaga can’t remember Alejandro’s name in her own song, which is CALLED Alejandro? Did no one have the guts to tell her she was calling him “Fernando” and “Roberto” by mistake? That’s kinda embarrassing!
This week the SAPS released the annual crime statistics which revealed that “crime is on the rise again”. But there’s really no need to be alarmed, unless you are alive and unharmed and want to keep it that way. So I say South Africa’s Minister of Defense should seize the moment and initiate the Lady Gaga Brassiere Project. In our increasingly violent society I believe that all women (and some well-endowed men) would benefit from these covert self-defense brassieres. I’m not saying we should load these combat bras with real bullets – smallish elephant tranquilizer darts would work nicely - but I am saying combat underwear could be the solution to our surging national crime rate. You see, Mrs. Minister of Defense, we civilians would prefer to keep our lives as fatality-free as possible and not many of us can afford to hire Lady Gaga as a personal body guard.
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