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Do You Speak Klingon?

This week’s WWTT (what were they thinking) news topic is the United Nations’ decision to appoint an Alien Ambassador who would perform the “meet and greet” in the event that we are visited by an extraterrestrial life form. In the face of such an unconventional UN move, the burning question on everybody’s mind currently is, “Would Lady Gaga design the outfit that the alien ambassador would wear to the initial meet and greet?” The answer: No, it would be Darth Vader’s seamstress.   

Certainly this UN move is somewhat “out there” but it’s going to happen whether or not they’ve fired the science-fiction-obsessed UN employee who came up with this ridiculous idea while wearing his Star Trek pajamas. In fact, the UN already has someone in mind – an “obscure Malaysian astrophysicist” to be vaguely specific. Now I’m not judging - I’m just saying: the UN is totally nuts to try pick someone all by themselves. They can’t make a decision like this without the input of at least everyone on the planet! After all, the fate of all earthlings will rest on this person’s shoulders… and at that pivotal moment do we REALLY want the person in question to be wearing Dr. Spock undies?  
 
To assist the general public in this potentially life-saving decision, I have compiled this list of four crucial Alien Ambassador Qualification Factors that should be met in the selection procedure:
  1. The person should be able to quote 5 out of 6 Star Wars movies verbatim and wield a light-saber without successfully loosing a limb. 
  2. He/she must be fluent in either the Klingon or Elvish language. 
  3. They must be able to swiftly and efficiently coordinate the production of all the official Alien Encounter spin-off products like stickers, stationary, pillowcases, PS3 games, energy drinks, Extra Terrestrial Barbie (UFO not included), underwear, lawyers, gum guards, Home Affairs employees, weird neighbors, and cattle prods.  
  4. They must be SO annoying that we REALLY want to get rid of them and would thus gladly recommend them for permanent alien abduction.
Please note: number 4 trumps all the others - so Julius Malema, David Hasselhoff, and the Artist formerly known as Prince should be bumped to the top of the candidates list. 

Work with me here United Nations! I, for one, am not going to bravely stand by and let just any Borat-esque weirdo get the job – we don’t need hordes of yellow-thonged aliens running around this planet! I’m not saying your “obscure Malaysian astrophysicist” isn’t the right lady for the job… I AM saying that this is kind of a big deal, so we also want to have a say. But let’s not get distracted from the more important issue here:-  if aliens DO arrive, how can we convince them to abduct Julius Malema first?
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