Total Road Peril

Cha Sa-soon, a 69 year old South Korean grandmother, has just passed her 960th driving test (960 -that is not a typo). Ironically her name means ‘vehicle’ in Korean. I’m not sure which part of her name means ‘vehicle’ in Korean but perhaps the first part means ‘avoid the’ in another language...

When it comes to driving, I’ve heard it said that “practice makes perfect” but I disagree because old people are generally such bad drivers and they’ve been practicing the longest. In fact, when it comes to the elderly driving, practice just makes hazardous for most other road users - including wildlife and low-flying aircraft.

The problem with the more “mature” driver is twofold: 

1. They usually drive cars so old that their maximum driving speed does not exceed that of a relaxed glacier. 
2. Most elderly couples tend to use the “wingman co-pilot” driving technique wherein the vision-impaired husband driver relies solely on instructions given by his wife in order to direct their moving vehicle. This driving technique is considerably thwarted by a general loss of hearing which creates a sort of broken-down-telephone situation that goes something like this:
   - Gertie: Bert, turn left at that garage
   - Bert:  What did you leave at that garage, Gertie?
   - Gertie: Nothing! I said TURN LEFT AT THIS GARA… Ah humbug! You missed the turning.
   - Bert: (looking blankly at her) What are we doing again?

Now before you get offended and accuse me of blatant generalization and ageism, let me say this: the elderly aren’t the only culprits contributing to the general state of anarchy existing on our roads today. Let me assure you that young people are trying to thoroughly kill you too. I know this because today I was almost wiped out by a very young lady who was driving as though she got her license from the Association of Reckless Road Lunatics Inc. I was leaving work and was circling the large roundabout (traffic circle) that is just outside my office block. As I was about to exit the roundabout, the aforementioned young lunatic driver hurtled into the very same finite space I was currently occupying in the roundabout at a speed that suggested she was being chased by the mafia. Thanks to some impressive evasive driving techniques I survived the ordeal unscathed and she sped on undeterred to see how many other innocent road users she could endanger en route to wherever she was going.

You see, young people are becoming increasingly less concerned with “conventional” driving techniques such as checking mirrors, indicating before changing lanes, and braking. 20-something drivers do not waste time adhering to the rules of the road because they are far too busy texting, exceeding the speed limit, dicing, updating their Facebook status, and playing music with bass notes so loud they interfere with the transmission of submarine Morse code messages. Add road rage and learner drivers into the mix and you have all the ingredients for total road peril!

But do not feel disheartened. There are ways to keep safe on our roads; merely follow these simple Arrive Alive safety tips:

1. Learn to recognize and steer well clear of any vehicle that is “potentially dangerous” - i.e: is very rusty, has missing parts, is emitting loud bass notes, has an animal driving, is moving at the speed of a relaxed glacier, or is playing David Hassellhoff cds. 
2. Avoid driving during times when accidents occur more frequently. The Arrive Alive website says the accident-prone times are:
   - Between dusk and dawn.
   - During morning and evening peak periods.
   - In the afternoon when children come out of schools.
   - On public holidays.
   - Late in the week and at weekends.
   - And any time Cha Sa-soon is behind the wheel.

Based on the above information it would seem that the safest time to drive is on February 29 every leap year. Otherwise you can vastly improve your road safety by avoiding problematic driving situations like starting your car.