Ahoy! You may have heard on the news that a week ago Somali pirates struck again and kidnapped two South African sailors. The South Africans were taken from their yacht, just off the Kenyan coast, and are still being held as hostages on the Somali main lands.
Aquatic Alarm: the pirating business is booming; up 15% from 2009! Between January and September this year, pirates have sweet talked their way onto 128 ships worldwide - using only their swashbuckling charm, automatic weapons, and rocket propelled grenades to injure 27 crew members, kill 1, and take 773 others hostage. The International Maritime Bureau would have us believe that they’re doing all they can to quell pirating but claim that with Limewire and other pirating software freely available on the internet, there is little they can do to prevent pirates from pillaging sea vessels and downloading music illegally.
A recent statement released by the International Maritime Bureau warns mariners “to be extra cautious and take necessary measures” when transiting the ocean. Concerned yachting communities, surfers, and sea creatures feel that this approach will suffice, provided you define “extra caution” as “keeping heat-seeking missiles, the United States Military, electric fencing, and a fire-breathing dragon handy.” Which can get a bit complicated. That’s why I believe it’s time to bring in the ninjas.
Because when Clint Eastwood, Chuck Norris and Osama Bin Laden fail, ninjas do not.
Sure, pirates are mildly disconcerting due to their lack of hygiene, fondness for violent thievery, and tendency to suddenly get angry, take over ships and stab things. But they started drinking rum during the age of the dinosaur which means they’re perennially sloshed – I mean; the rum has affected their critical thinking abilities to such a degree that they think eye patches, neck scarves, and wooden legs are fashionable!
Whereas ninjas, trained in a Japanese martial-arts style “ninjitsu” are the ultimate fighting machines. They’re sneaky, deadly, and they’re so tough they make onions cry. On the average Somalian pirate ship there would be at least 2,083 items even a rookie ninja could use to neutralize the pirates, including their eye patch. Ninjas eat automatic weapon ammunition for breakfast – literally; it’s like muesli to them. So they could neutralize a couple of pirates in their sleep. [For the record, the ninjas would like me to state that they don’t actually NEED sleep; they just use it occasionally as one of their deadly combat and assault tactics. They don’t need David Hasselhoff either.]
Surely deploying a team of ninjas is the only aggressively peaceful solution for our pirate predicament. The good news is we already know where the pirates are (the ocean) so that really narrows it down. The bad news is that every day we don’t send the ninjas in, is yet another 24 hours in which the Somali pirates can harass the two South African hostages; probably by forcing them to wear eye patches and listen to illegally downloaded David Hasselhoff songs.
Aquatic Alarm: the pirating business is booming; up 15% from 2009! Between January and September this year, pirates have sweet talked their way onto 128 ships worldwide - using only their swashbuckling charm, automatic weapons, and rocket propelled grenades to injure 27 crew members, kill 1, and take 773 others hostage. The International Maritime Bureau would have us believe that they’re doing all they can to quell pirating but claim that with Limewire and other pirating software freely available on the internet, there is little they can do to prevent pirates from pillaging sea vessels and downloading music illegally.
A recent statement released by the International Maritime Bureau warns mariners “to be extra cautious and take necessary measures” when transiting the ocean. Concerned yachting communities, surfers, and sea creatures feel that this approach will suffice, provided you define “extra caution” as “keeping heat-seeking missiles, the United States Military, electric fencing, and a fire-breathing dragon handy.” Which can get a bit complicated. That’s why I believe it’s time to bring in the ninjas.
Because when Clint Eastwood, Chuck Norris and Osama Bin Laden fail, ninjas do not.
Sure, pirates are mildly disconcerting due to their lack of hygiene, fondness for violent thievery, and tendency to suddenly get angry, take over ships and stab things. But they started drinking rum during the age of the dinosaur which means they’re perennially sloshed – I mean; the rum has affected their critical thinking abilities to such a degree that they think eye patches, neck scarves, and wooden legs are fashionable!
Whereas ninjas, trained in a Japanese martial-arts style “ninjitsu” are the ultimate fighting machines. They’re sneaky, deadly, and they’re so tough they make onions cry. On the average Somalian pirate ship there would be at least 2,083 items even a rookie ninja could use to neutralize the pirates, including their eye patch. Ninjas eat automatic weapon ammunition for breakfast – literally; it’s like muesli to them. So they could neutralize a couple of pirates in their sleep. [For the record, the ninjas would like me to state that they don’t actually NEED sleep; they just use it occasionally as one of their deadly combat and assault tactics. They don’t need David Hasselhoff either.]
Surely deploying a team of ninjas is the only aggressively peaceful solution for our pirate predicament. The good news is we already know where the pirates are (the ocean) so that really narrows it down. The bad news is that every day we don’t send the ninjas in, is yet another 24 hours in which the Somali pirates can harass the two South African hostages; probably by forcing them to wear eye patches and listen to illegally downloaded David Hasselhoff songs.
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