Last night I must have set a new land speed record for “The Swiftest Semi-Asleep Human Exiting a Bed at 2.49am.” I was fast asleep when a belligerent Christmas Beetle landed on my cheek with a resounding thump and proceeded to raucously lounge around on my face, buzzing loudly in such a manner as to convey the message “Wakey, wakey sleepy head!” This startling Christmas beetle encounter could only mean that right now ~ and just brace yourself for this acutely unsettling thought ~ somewhere in the world David Hasselhoff could be creating a Christmas cd. (Oh the unspeakable horror!!!!!!!!!!!)
But let’s not dwell too long on the nightmarish implications of that, lest we all lose the will to live. Rather let’s focus on the task at hand which is festive procrastination; the annual job of ushering in the holidays by putting off doing our Christmas gift shopping until the very last minute.
Q) Why do we do this to ourselves year after year?
A) Because it is the only way to guarantee that our festive gift shopping experience is as physically grueling and emotionally strenuous as possible.
Just kidding. We do it for three very compelling (and legally binding) reasons. The first of which can be found in the very definition of “Christmas shopping” – a term derived from the Middle English word ‘Christemasse’ which is defined as “An extremely dangerous retail experience in which masses of competitors, motivated by powerful festive forces, are driven to overcome the obstacle of being broke and beat out their human competitors in a race to purchase gifts. This process is repeated frantically until the shoppers successfully accumulate a sum total of personal debt that is usually associated with Michael Jackson.”
The second reason is that this activity usually takes place within the confines of a modern shopping mall - a place where you are more likely to sustain moderate injuries in hand-to-hand combat with other frenzied shoppers over specific store items than experience “peace on earth” or “goodwill to all men.” (I am using the term “frenzied shoppers” here in the sense of “emotionally unbalanced versions of John McEnroe.”)
And thirdly, the most substantial reason for our shopping procrastination is known as the Lockness Monster Phenomenon. The hallmark slogan for this time of year is “it is better to give than to receive” - a notion that’s proved remarkably accurate when you are the one receiving the Christmas gift of a hand-knitted jersey [jumper] featuring an array of cheerful reindeer and playful elves. However, purchasing a present for that special someone who really “has everything” is as futile as searching for the Lockness Monster (which they probably already got for their birthday.) Even the most seasoned shopper can lose themselves in the aisles of a mall shop – sometimes for days - relying solely on lint found in their pockets for survival, as they desperately seek the elusive indefinable gift for their “has everything” person.
So clearly our procrastination is not entirely unfounded. However, the sobering truth is that longer we delay our gift shopping, the more John McEnroe-ish the millions of other shoppers will become. So this year do yourself a favor and resolve to shop early; like in 1962 or tomorrow but definitely no later than next Thursday because it’s the only way to ensure you’ll definitely be out of the malls by the time they start playing David Hasselhoff’s new Christmas cd.
But let’s not dwell too long on the nightmarish implications of that, lest we all lose the will to live. Rather let’s focus on the task at hand which is festive procrastination; the annual job of ushering in the holidays by putting off doing our Christmas gift shopping until the very last minute.
Q) Why do we do this to ourselves year after year?
A) Because it is the only way to guarantee that our festive gift shopping experience is as physically grueling and emotionally strenuous as possible.
Just kidding. We do it for three very compelling (and legally binding) reasons. The first of which can be found in the very definition of “Christmas shopping” – a term derived from the Middle English word ‘Christemasse’ which is defined as “An extremely dangerous retail experience in which masses of competitors, motivated by powerful festive forces, are driven to overcome the obstacle of being broke and beat out their human competitors in a race to purchase gifts. This process is repeated frantically until the shoppers successfully accumulate a sum total of personal debt that is usually associated with Michael Jackson.”
The second reason is that this activity usually takes place within the confines of a modern shopping mall - a place where you are more likely to sustain moderate injuries in hand-to-hand combat with other frenzied shoppers over specific store items than experience “peace on earth” or “goodwill to all men.” (I am using the term “frenzied shoppers” here in the sense of “emotionally unbalanced versions of John McEnroe.”)
And thirdly, the most substantial reason for our shopping procrastination is known as the Lockness Monster Phenomenon. The hallmark slogan for this time of year is “it is better to give than to receive” - a notion that’s proved remarkably accurate when you are the one receiving the Christmas gift of a hand-knitted jersey [jumper] featuring an array of cheerful reindeer and playful elves. However, purchasing a present for that special someone who really “has everything” is as futile as searching for the Lockness Monster (which they probably already got for their birthday.) Even the most seasoned shopper can lose themselves in the aisles of a mall shop – sometimes for days - relying solely on lint found in their pockets for survival, as they desperately seek the elusive indefinable gift for their “has everything” person.
So clearly our procrastination is not entirely unfounded. However, the sobering truth is that longer we delay our gift shopping, the more John McEnroe-ish the millions of other shoppers will become. So this year do yourself a favor and resolve to shop early; like in 1962 or tomorrow but definitely no later than next Thursday because it’s the only way to ensure you’ll definitely be out of the malls by the time they start playing David Hasselhoff’s new Christmas cd.
Another master peace.
ReplyDeleteAndy x