How to Wash a Cat

I love cats. I do not love washing a cat. Any cat owner knows that washing a cat is an extreme sport in which only those that possess a reckless disregard for their safety may participate… because a cat always interprets a bath as a hostile maneuver. I have had the incredible misfortune of washing many cats in my lifetime and the experiences have ranged from mildly painful to deeply traumatic.

Catsmylove.com is a marvelous website that I discovered last week which is brimming with everything cat-related. The language featured on this website is unlike any I have ever had the pleasure of reading. In particular I found one article there on bathing cats that was very informative. Sadly the website domain has since expired; I really hope they renew it so you will be able to read it yourself. In the meantime I shall share the main points with you.

1. ‘It is not enough that in care of cats brings so not enough pleasure as necessity a cat to wash. Fortunately, cats, clean by the nature, seldom demand in it our help’
   - I understand this to mean: Truly one should only wash a cat if it is essential (by “essential” I mean “the cat is covered in poop and it is just not right to let it lick itself clean”). All other forms of “dirty cat” should be left to nature to clean.
2. ‘But when it all the same is necessary to them, important correctly to choose necessary agents and methods.’
   - In the event that the regrettable situation arises and a cat bath is unavoidable, following these specific steps will help ensure that both you and the cat make it out alive.
3. ‘To wash a cat it is necessary quickly and cautiously. Cats do not tolerate long bathing. When business reaches bathing of cats, time plays an essential role. It is not obligatory to wait, while the cat will thoroughly become wet to soap it. A good shampoo should be soaped quickly even if a wool of a cat not absolutely wet’
   - Speed is of the utmost importance when bathing a feline. Ideally you should wash the cat so incredibly fast you’ll need a slow-motion replay to see it clearly. You don’t even have to wait until the cat is fully wet (or as we call it in cat-bathing terms “totally infuriated”) to apply the shampoo – just throw everything at the cat at the same time: water, soap, a small rubber ducky to play with – like a surprise attack. The cat prefers it this way and its loud meowing will confirm this.
4. ‘The soaped cat very slippery - as a wet piece of soap. That the cat has not run away, do not forget to occlude a bathroom door, and always file unguises to a cat before will start it to wash, that it has not scratched you.’
   - A wet cat prefers to exit a bath at the speed of its feline relative; the cheetah. It is advisable to use whatever means necessary as to prevent the cat’s wild exit from the bathroom. Closing the door will help somewhat but the cat will seek alternate options including, but not limited to, exiting via the windows, extractor fan, and eating through drywall. It is recommended to further impede the cat’s lightning-fast departure by having 4 or 5 other family members hang onto the cat simultaneously… this should buy you enough time to retrieve the slippery cat from the curtain rail and plunge it back into the bath water. Be aware that a wet cat deems it essential to return the “love” in whatever means is at its disposal – scratching, biting, farting, throwing small hand grenades etc. Be prepared for this by wearing protective gear such as welding gloves, goggles, a hard hat, and a thick jersey.
5. ‘Delete from a wool the soap rests. Turn a cat in the big towel, especially carefully - forelegs to dry up these fields. Cats easily get cold, therefore drying needs to be finished as soon as possible to prevent their wool wet to feel temperature of submitted air.’
   - Rinse the cat until the soap is all gone or until you fear for your life - whichever comes first. Next, nervously approach the cat with a large towel and seize it by the legs in order to minimize the scratching. Proceed to dry the cat by rolling it around in the towel – employing this tumble drying technique is best. You will know the cat is sufficiently dry enough for release once you see it is has freed its claws and is coming for you with malicious intent.
6. ‘When finish, simply release it’
   - Take a deep breath, open the bathroom door, put down the towel and dive into the bath for cover. Once the cat sprints out, you will spend the next 2 hours basking in your success by applying First-Aid to your many injuries - in occasional cases a trip to the emergency room may be required to stem the blood loss. 
7. ‘Behaviour of any which has offended a cat earlier, in this case it is necessary, that you tenderly addressed with a feline, respectfully to it talked and have shown a weasel.’
   -  The cat will spend the next week coming up with newer, more-innovative ways to get revenge on you unless you reconcile with it. This article promotes the ‘Talk & Weasel’ approach whereby you talk tenderly to it whilst showing it flash cards of weasels (showing a live weasel, if you have one, is most effective). This should pacify the enraged animal and restore the bond of love and affection between you.

I’m pretty sure this will work, but just incase, sleep with one eye open.