Have you noticed that there is an alarming upsurge in the amount of very strange people lurking on our planet? Without placing the blame on anything in particular; I think it is entirely the fault of the internet. In my opinion, the World Wide Web is nurturing the unprecedented growth and expansion of human weirdness.
It is a horrifying but statistical fact that all over the modern world educated people are joining bizarre online Appreciation Societies – not under compulsion or duress (nor under threat of death) but WILLFULLY! Truly there are large groups of like-minded people who, thanks to the internet, have managed to unite into nonsensical masses such as: The Pants Appreciation Society (Yes, we’re talking underwear here), The Pink Haired Weirdo Appreciation Society, The Gnome Appreciation Society, The Semicolon Appreciation Society, The Smoldering Men Appreciation Society, The Roundabout Appreciation Society, The Fart Appreciation Society, The Traffic Cones Appreciation Society, The Self-appreciation Appreciation Society, the Armpit Appreciation Society, The Texting While on the Toilet Appreciation Society, and most concerning of all… The David Hasselhof’s Hair Appreciation Society (I am using the term “David Hasselhoff’s Hair Appreciation Society” here in the sense of “completely out of their minds society“). And this is not even a comprehensive list of all the Appreciation Societies offered online! Since I have started writing this blog it is quite likely that in some dark recesses of the internet, 25 786 new Appreciation Societies have been formed to appreciate some aspect of David Hasselhoff!
Before mankind as a whole is swallowed up by an internet-induced weirdness, I think it is time to launch I.N.E.S - an International Normality Enforcing Society (Motto: “Whittle out the Weirdo”.) I.N.E.S can be administered by a governing body consisting solely of regular, ordinary people who could never, ever be accused of eccentricity – people like documentary narrators, librarians, cotton farmers and store window mannequins. These I.N.E.S officers will be highly-trained and will spend their days combing the internet in search of Appreciation Society aficionados. They can put all internet users through rigorous weirdo-identifying tests (which should involve asking whether they can speak any alternate “non-traditional” languages like Elvish or Klingon and whether they like David Hasselhoff CDs). These tests will irrefutably, irrevocably and conclusively identify all the weirdos. Then they can use those Men in Black memory-erasing flash light thingys on them. These flash lights could be specifically created to erase just the weirdness part of people’s brains (where the knowledge of Appreciation Societies exist), rendering them harmless enough to be reintegrated back into general society - and thereby reestablishing the normal-to-weirdo ratio amongst the human race.
A swift response is our only hope, people! Because if through inaction we allow weirdness to continue flourishing among us, pretty soon we may need to sign a Stupidity Liability Waver just to go on the internet. Or even worse, we could all end up being forced to pledge allegiance to David Hasselhoff’s hair!
It is a horrifying but statistical fact that all over the modern world educated people are joining bizarre online Appreciation Societies – not under compulsion or duress (nor under threat of death) but WILLFULLY! Truly there are large groups of like-minded people who, thanks to the internet, have managed to unite into nonsensical masses such as: The Pants Appreciation Society (Yes, we’re talking underwear here), The Pink Haired Weirdo Appreciation Society, The Gnome Appreciation Society, The Semicolon Appreciation Society, The Smoldering Men Appreciation Society, The Roundabout Appreciation Society, The Fart Appreciation Society, The Traffic Cones Appreciation Society, The Self-appreciation Appreciation Society, the Armpit Appreciation Society, The Texting While on the Toilet Appreciation Society, and most concerning of all… The David Hasselhof’s Hair Appreciation Society (I am using the term “David Hasselhoff’s Hair Appreciation Society” here in the sense of “completely out of their minds society“). And this is not even a comprehensive list of all the Appreciation Societies offered online! Since I have started writing this blog it is quite likely that in some dark recesses of the internet, 25 786 new Appreciation Societies have been formed to appreciate some aspect of David Hasselhoff!
Before mankind as a whole is swallowed up by an internet-induced weirdness, I think it is time to launch I.N.E.S - an International Normality Enforcing Society (Motto: “Whittle out the Weirdo”.) I.N.E.S can be administered by a governing body consisting solely of regular, ordinary people who could never, ever be accused of eccentricity – people like documentary narrators, librarians, cotton farmers and store window mannequins. These I.N.E.S officers will be highly-trained and will spend their days combing the internet in search of Appreciation Society aficionados. They can put all internet users through rigorous weirdo-identifying tests (which should involve asking whether they can speak any alternate “non-traditional” languages like Elvish or Klingon and whether they like David Hasselhoff CDs). These tests will irrefutably, irrevocably and conclusively identify all the weirdos. Then they can use those Men in Black memory-erasing flash light thingys on them. These flash lights could be specifically created to erase just the weirdness part of people’s brains (where the knowledge of Appreciation Societies exist), rendering them harmless enough to be reintegrated back into general society - and thereby reestablishing the normal-to-weirdo ratio amongst the human race.
A swift response is our only hope, people! Because if through inaction we allow weirdness to continue flourishing among us, pretty soon we may need to sign a Stupidity Liability Waver just to go on the internet. Or even worse, we could all end up being forced to pledge allegiance to David Hasselhoff’s hair!
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