Verbal High Fives

This week I was in the kitchen cooking dinner when I was attacked by ANOTHER Christmas beetle! It crashed into my elbow while I was stirring the chicken pasta. I got such a fright I screamed hysterically and temporarily forgot I was holding a spoon in the pot. On reflex, I thrashed my arm wildly in order to flick the darn thing off. Instead I just succeeded in launching a large piece of saucy chicken into the air – or as Buzz Lightyear prefers to call it, “To infinity and beyond!”   - because though I searched the kitchen carefully, I could not find it anywhere. In my hunt for the AWOL piece of chicken, I did manage to locate a Rain Spider so hideously large and hairy it looked as though it was sporting a large Chihuahua dog as a scarf. It skulked off and slunk behind the curtain with body language that proclaimed; “Follow me and you’ll lose a limb.” There were also a variety of flippy flying things harassing my kitchen light fixture and a slug leisurely mincing around on my bath...

Yesterday it was my turn to teach in our children’s churches youngest age group; the 2-5 year olds. Now, I always enjoying spending time with the kids because they just see the world in the most delightful way and being with them always reminds me how much a humble biscuit can do to bring peace and reconciliation among be-huffed little humans. I was tasked with telling the Bible story to a group of seventeen of them. Not to brag, but I think I did a decent job because I managed to avoid instigating a mass nose-picking-from-boredom situation during my story. Trust me; you can be thoroughly impressed – this really is easier said than done. Afterwards, I was asked to take a 3 year old girl to the bathroom, to answer nature’s call. Personal Disclaimer: Before I go any further, I would like to state for the record that I am currently not a mommy and I haven’t read ‘ The Idiot’s Guide To Taking Small Children To The Bathroom ’ and, hence there are some gaping holes in my understanding o...

Ahoy! You may have heard on the news that a week ago Somali pirates struck again and kidnapped two South African sailors. The South Africans were taken from their yacht, just off the Kenyan coast, and are still being held as hostages on the Somali main lands. Aquatic Alarm: the pirating business is booming; up 15% from 2009! Between January and September this year, pirates have sweet talked their way onto 128 ships worldwide - using only their swashbuckling charm, automatic weapons, and rocket propelled grenades to injure 27 crew members, kill 1, and take 773 others hostage. The International Maritime Bureau would have us believe that they’re doing all they can to quell pirating but claim that with Limewire and other pirating software freely available on the internet, there is little they can do to prevent pirates from pillaging sea vessels and downloading music illegally. A recent statement released by the International Maritime Bureau warns mariners “to be extra cautious and tak...

Last night I must have set a new land speed record for “The Swiftest Semi-Asleep Human Exiting a Bed at 2.49am.” I was fast asleep when a belligerent Christmas Beetle landed on my cheek with a resounding thump and proceeded to raucously lounge around on my face, buzzing loudly in such a manner as to convey the message “Wakey, wakey sleepy head!” This startling Christmas beetle encounter could only mean that right now ~ and just brace yourself for this acutely unsettling thought ~ somewhere in the world David Hasselhoff could be creating a Christmas cd. (Oh the unspeakable horror!!!!!!!!!!!) But let’s not dwell too long on the nightmarish implications of that, lest we all lose the will to live. Rather let’s focus on the task at hand which is festive procrastination; the annual job of ushering in the holidays by putting off doing our Christmas gift shopping until the very last minute. Q) Why do we do this to ourselves year after year? A) Because it is the only way to guarantee tha...

Cha Sa-soon, a 69 year old South Korean grandmother, has just passed her 960th driving test (960 -that is not a typo). Ironically her name means ‘vehicle’ in Korean. I’m not sure which part of her name means ‘vehicle’ in Korean but perhaps the first part means ‘avoid the’ in another language... When it comes to driving, I’ve heard it said that “practice makes perfect” but I disagree because old people are generally such bad drivers and they’ve been practicing the longest. In fact, when it comes to the elderly driving, practice just makes hazardous for most other road users - including wildlife and low-flying aircraft. The problem with the more “mature” driver is twofold:   They usually drive cars so old that their maximum driving speed does not exceed that of a relaxed glacier.   Most elderly couples tend to use the “wingman co-pilot” driving technique wherein the vision-impaired husband driver relies solely on instructions given by his wife in order to direct their movi...

I consider myself a semi-professional-operation-haver because I am rather accomplished at requiring regular hospitalization. Not to brag; but once I even managed to get admitted to hospital just for having chicken pox… If they had a hospital version of the Frequent Flyer program, I’d be a Platinum Member by now. Last week I once again assumed the role of medical patient in order to sort out a pinched nerve I’d been suffering with. I checked in at 6.30am and was admitted into a 4 bedroom ward. Waiting on my bed was the traditional humiliating operation gown that says “ These are my buttocks ” when you wear them. Next, a nurse drove me into theatre (I am using the terms “into theatre” here in the sense of “literally into EVERYTHING in between my ward and the operating table - including six door frames, a lot of extremely expensive machinery, a cleaning cart, an innocent pot plant, a fruit fly, three surprised nurses, and two doctors scrubbing in for surgery.) You think I’m joking but I’m...

As an alert radio listener, I was quietly alarmed when I heard on Eye Witness News this morning that astronomers at Sheffield University, in cahoots with some more in Chile, have been “weighing” a star. According to The Guardian (and various other vaguely reputable online news sites) astrophysicists and astronomers have been using “the Very Large Telescope (VLT)” in “the Atacama desert of northern Chile” to “study R136a1” -> what they believe is “the largest star in our neighbouring galaxy”. The GOSEAAA (Group of Somewhat Excited Astrophysicists And Astronomers) believe it is the “most colossal star on record” and apparently the logical conclusion to such a discovery is that it simply must be weighed. The online article continued on to say that “Astronomers also have a limited range in which to look for them [stars].  In clusters that are too far away, it isn't always possible to tell if a telescope has picked up on one heavyweight star or two smaller ones in close proximity... ...

On Saturday South Africans witnessed the defiant rise of the animal kingdom during the semi-final of the Absa Currie Cup in Durban between the Sharks and Vodacom Blue Bulls. A large swarm of bees delayed the start of the semi final rugby match by 45 minutes when they arrived just before kick-off and laid claim to the rugby pitch. The bees mingled on the lawn and made rugby-relatedsmall talk such as “Where is the pollen?” while the match organizers diplomatically tried to encourage them to move on. Commentators and fans alike were utterly astonished by this rare interference from the animal kingdom and scientists immediately began researching whether bees prefer watching rugby directly from the pitch or on tv. The sobering truth, however, is that the animal kingdom is revolting. And by “revolting” I obviously mean “uprising.” For centuries the animal kingdom has been the unfortunate source of scientists’ incredibly overdeveloped (and misplaced) inquisitive minds. Scientists the world ov...

Last week I went to see a range of doctors because I wasn’t feeling well and we all know that that is the only surefire way to guarantee one spends exorbitant amounts of money to be told what ISN’T wrong with your body. Finally a doctor actually gave me a diagnosis and I need an operation to release a pinched nerve in my right side. I was prescribed medication to help with the pain but it made me drowsy (I am using the term “drowsy” here in the sense of “unintentional power naps during peak hour traffic”). Two days (and countless power naps) later I was prescribed a non-drowsy painkiller which I’d never heard of before but I took two and hoped for the best. Later that day I experienced some unusual reactions to the medication so I read the medicine’s information leaflet to find out whether I should be pre-booking a bed in a nearby emergency room. Now I’m the type of girl that is easily given to excessive anxiety so I really shouldn’t watch CSI late at night or read these medication l...

Last week I attended a national school drummies competition in which my friend’s two children were participating. I spent 3 hours watching hundreds of children perform; only a very small percentage of which were my friend’s kids. And it was dazzling! I have never seen so many sequins assembled in large, shimmering, organized packs within a 500m radius. They really should give spectators at these events complimentary sunglasses to prevent sequin-induced retina damage. But by the end of the event, I must admit, I left with sequin envy; thoroughly convinced that my wardrobe is incomplete without the fashion awesomeness of a shimmering gold sequined number. Seeing as I’d never experienced a drummies competition I went with the naïve expectation that it was all about maces, flags and choreography.  Rookie mistake. It’s all about blasting the music so loud your ears bleed! No, wait - maybe it’s also about synchronization. Some of these teams were so synchronized that they marched with ...