I recently went on an international flight. I was meant to fly on the 23rd of December but my flight was cancelled due to “extreme weather conditions” at my destination. “Extreme weather conditions” is a term used by airlines when their staff just want to take the day off. It is such an incredibly versatile term that it can be used by anyone in any situation.
Allow me to demonstrate:
Mom: Jonny! Why did you hit your sister with a cricket bat?
Jonny: Extreme weather conditions made me do it!
University Lecturer: Samantha, where is your final dissertation?
Samantha: Extreme weather conditions ate it.
CEO: Your honour, I could not fill in my company’s tax returns online for the last 10 years due to extreme weather conditions.
In the end, I flew on Christmas Eve. Due to a backlog of passengers created by “extreme weather conditions,” my travel agent advised me to arrive at the airport 5 hours early to ensure I got my seat on the plane. I checked in and spent the remaining 4 hours doing what every person does when they’re about to embark on a long journey... visit the loo repeatedly. For reasons that remain unclear no matter how many physiology books one reads, when a human bladder gets wind of a long-distance journey, it mistakenly informs you that it’s “really gotta go” every 9.35 minutes.
After an unhealthy number of bathroom visits, it was finally time to board the plane. I was the first one in the queue because I arrived approximately 3 light years early for this flight. But loads of people bypassed proper queuing protocol and simply waltzed up and pushed in front of the queue in an attempt to publicly declare, “I am pretending to not see all 300 of you waiting patiently in the queue.”
The boarding staff were all wearing purple t-shirts that festively proclaimed, “Wise men travel with us!” I resisted the urge to enquire, “So does that mean you are calling me a female idiot?”
It took an astoundingly long time to get to my seat. It was so far back on the plane, I think I crossed two international time zones before I reached it. Sitting at the very back of a plane has many benefits such as; learning to lip read (because you can’t hear anything over the deafening roar of the four engines), being the last to disembark, and the first to skip meals. This airline (which shall remain nameless – for fun let’s call it Fergin Atlantic Airlines) only had enough meals for 80% of its passengers. Which meant for breakfast, us back-plane-plebs only got a small fairly inedible roll so stale the plastic knife snapped trying to cut it open. (Add dodging knife shrapnel to the back-of-plane benefits list.)
But the important thing is I arrived safely in time for Christmas and none of my baggage went missing. As I disembarked, I was still so ravenous I took an unopened bottle of water left behind in the first class section. I figured if they couldn’t feed me, they could at least give me something to drink. Don’t judge me - extreme weather conditions made me do it!
Allow me to demonstrate:
Mom: Jonny! Why did you hit your sister with a cricket bat?
Jonny: Extreme weather conditions made me do it!
University Lecturer: Samantha, where is your final dissertation?
Samantha: Extreme weather conditions ate it.
CEO: Your honour, I could not fill in my company’s tax returns online for the last 10 years due to extreme weather conditions.
In the end, I flew on Christmas Eve. Due to a backlog of passengers created by “extreme weather conditions,” my travel agent advised me to arrive at the airport 5 hours early to ensure I got my seat on the plane. I checked in and spent the remaining 4 hours doing what every person does when they’re about to embark on a long journey... visit the loo repeatedly. For reasons that remain unclear no matter how many physiology books one reads, when a human bladder gets wind of a long-distance journey, it mistakenly informs you that it’s “really gotta go” every 9.35 minutes.
After an unhealthy number of bathroom visits, it was finally time to board the plane. I was the first one in the queue because I arrived approximately 3 light years early for this flight. But loads of people bypassed proper queuing protocol and simply waltzed up and pushed in front of the queue in an attempt to publicly declare, “I am pretending to not see all 300 of you waiting patiently in the queue.”
The boarding staff were all wearing purple t-shirts that festively proclaimed, “Wise men travel with us!” I resisted the urge to enquire, “So does that mean you are calling me a female idiot?”
It took an astoundingly long time to get to my seat. It was so far back on the plane, I think I crossed two international time zones before I reached it. Sitting at the very back of a plane has many benefits such as; learning to lip read (because you can’t hear anything over the deafening roar of the four engines), being the last to disembark, and the first to skip meals. This airline (which shall remain nameless – for fun let’s call it Fergin Atlantic Airlines) only had enough meals for 80% of its passengers. Which meant for breakfast, us back-plane-plebs only got a small fairly inedible roll so stale the plastic knife snapped trying to cut it open. (Add dodging knife shrapnel to the back-of-plane benefits list.)
But the important thing is I arrived safely in time for Christmas and none of my baggage went missing. As I disembarked, I was still so ravenous I took an unopened bottle of water left behind in the first class section. I figured if they couldn’t feed me, they could at least give me something to drink. Don’t judge me - extreme weather conditions made me do it!
Oh my goodness...this is classic!! So, with extreme weather conditions and all, you arrived to face, but wait there is more... extreme weather conditions!
ReplyDeleteThanks Jules :) Sooo much material, already on the flight over! Looking forward to the next installments. Much love
ReplyDelete