Verbal High Fives

Last week I travelled from Birmingham down to Kent to spend a week with my parents. When I booked my trip online, the website informed me that I would have to take 3 trains and a tube to reach my destination. In theory this seemed easy enough, however, when you factor in a rapidly-moving escalator and a ridiculously heavy shoulder bag, the result is a fascinating public exhibition of the human domino effect in the London Subway. Not to brag, but I have a degree of upper body strength rarely found in the living - outside retirement villages, that is. If I had to arm-wrestle an asparagus I would probably lose. Historically when it comes to me, the terms “upper” “body” and “strength” are never used in a favourable combination. So, it is somewhat ironic that I don’t own any of those nice suitcases with wheels; I only have big shoulder bags you carry. With my remarkably pathetic biceps in mind, I tried to pack light for this holiday by only including the “basic essentials” – a packing term...

New Year - the time of year when we, fuelled by expired Christmas leftovers, look within and make some substantial life-altering goals such as electing to submit our unsuspecting body to surprising bouts of unsolicited exercise and resolving to forgo delightfully staple food groups like carbohydrates, chocolates, and KFC in a quest to determine whether we truly can trim our waistline by consuming a mere lettuce leaf and 2 rice cakes daily without gnawing off our own arms out of sheer hunger.  We humans take this job of setting New Year’s Resolutions very, very seriously; after all we fully intend to stick to them for the rest of the calendar year (I am using the term “calendar year” here in the sense of “for at least the first 5 days of January”). Previously I made the rookie mistake of severely over-estimating my ability to rise to the challenge of a multi-pronged New Year’s Resolutions list, therefore this year I have made only one. In 201...

I recently went on an international flight. I was meant to fly on the 23rd of December but my flight was cancelled due to “extreme weather conditions” at my destination. “Extreme weather conditions” is a term used by airlines when their staff just want to take the day off. It is such an incredibly versatile term that it can be used by anyone in any situation. Allow me to demonstrate:  Mom: Jonny! Why did you hit your sister with a cricket bat?  Jonny: Extreme weather conditions made me do it! University Lecturer: Samantha, where is your final dissertation? Samantha: Extreme weather conditions ate it. CEO: Your honour, I could not fill in my company’s tax returns online for the last 10 years due to extreme weather conditions. In the end, I flew on Christmas Eve. Due to a backlog of passengers created by “extreme weather conditions,” my travel agent advised me to arrive at the airport 5 hours early to ensure I got my seat on the plane. I checked in and spent the ...

I was driving home the other evening in my friend’s car when suddenly … nothing happened! Literally; the car just died in the middle of a traffic circle [roundabout] . Fortunately the car had enough momentum left to exit the traffic circle and, as I inched along the road at a speed normally associated with a racing slug, I deemed it “somewhat ambitious” to try and still make it home by “travelling mainly downhill.” So I pulled over and there I was; stranded at 9:30pm in a dark side road with no street lights while the car enjoyed an ill-timed power nap. As I waited for my friend to come and tow me home, I passed the time by considering every conceivable type of danger (both real and imaginary) that could possibly befall me; a helpless maiden stuck in her snoozing chariot in the perilous night. In a matter of minutes, I’d thrown all logic aside and mentally tormented myself to such a degree that I was thoroughly convinced I wasn’t going to make it out of this experience alive – after ...

I am favorably inclined towards collecting. I have a long and vivid history of collecting things that serve absolutely no benefit to me whatsoever; such as funny magazine adverts and Boys2Men CDs. At one stage during my colourful teen years I was collecting an alarming total of 23 different things which, for the sake of my dignity, I shall refrain from naming. I am no longer a “collector” as such but I do have a fondness for hording, so last Saturday I decided it was time for a thorough spring clean. I ended up throwing out roughly 2 metric tons of arbitrary items I’d been saving for the last 7 years, including a wooden candle holder in the shape of a foot with a raised big toe that is ugly enough to call into question whether I should ever be allowed to shop for household items unsupervised. (Don’t judge me; I’m just as horrified as you are!!) At the end of my spring clean, I had a full garbage bag of old bank statements I wanted to get rid of. And, since I don’t own a shredder, ...

Oh, it’s a most wonderful time of the year – a brief couple of weeks in which one can get away with saying things like “Hark,” “Excelsis!” and “Troll the ancient Yule tide carol” and not even be detained for mental evaluation by the Straight Jacket Society. The Christmas lights are up and the Christmas music is playing merrily in the hallowed halls of the shopping malls. If you are an adult, it’s the season to be cultivating your stomach ulcers by means of shopping-induced stress, if you are a child, ‘tis the season to be freaked out by Santa. Upon visiting two local shopping malls within the last week, I have been somewhat distressed by their Santas. The Santa in the mall where I work is home-made, and it has a face-mask that has no eyes. As if that weren’t freaky enough, he is perched precariously on a ledge three storeys up and has a sign dangling from his neck that states ‘Suicidal Santa’ in large black letters!! The other mall’s Santa wasn’t wearing any underpants and had...

This week I was in the kitchen cooking dinner when I was attacked by ANOTHER Christmas beetle! It crashed into my elbow while I was stirring the chicken pasta. I got such a fright I screamed hysterically and temporarily forgot I was holding a spoon in the pot. On reflex, I thrashed my arm wildly in order to flick the darn thing off. Instead I just succeeded in launching a large piece of saucy chicken into the air – or as Buzz Lightyear prefers to call it, “To infinity and beyond!”   - because though I searched the kitchen carefully, I could not find it anywhere. In my hunt for the AWOL piece of chicken, I did manage to locate a Rain Spider so hideously large and hairy it looked as though it was sporting a large Chihuahua dog as a scarf. It skulked off and slunk behind the curtain with body language that proclaimed; “Follow me and you’ll lose a limb.” There were also a variety of flippy flying things harassing my kitchen light fixture and a slug leisurely mincing around on my bath...

Yesterday it was my turn to teach in our children’s churches youngest age group; the 2-5 year olds. Now, I always enjoying spending time with the kids because they just see the world in the most delightful way and being with them always reminds me how much a humble biscuit can do to bring peace and reconciliation among be-huffed little humans. I was tasked with telling the Bible story to a group of seventeen of them. Not to brag, but I think I did a decent job because I managed to avoid instigating a mass nose-picking-from-boredom situation during my story. Trust me; you can be thoroughly impressed – this really is easier said than done. Afterwards, I was asked to take a 3 year old girl to the bathroom, to answer nature’s call. Personal Disclaimer: Before I go any further, I would like to state for the record that I am currently not a mommy and I haven’t read ‘ The Idiot’s Guide To Taking Small Children To The Bathroom ’ and, hence there are some gaping holes in my understanding o...

Ahoy! You may have heard on the news that a week ago Somali pirates struck again and kidnapped two South African sailors. The South Africans were taken from their yacht, just off the Kenyan coast, and are still being held as hostages on the Somali main lands. Aquatic Alarm: the pirating business is booming; up 15% from 2009! Between January and September this year, pirates have sweet talked their way onto 128 ships worldwide - using only their swashbuckling charm, automatic weapons, and rocket propelled grenades to injure 27 crew members, kill 1, and take 773 others hostage. The International Maritime Bureau would have us believe that they’re doing all they can to quell pirating but claim that with Limewire and other pirating software freely available on the internet, there is little they can do to prevent pirates from pillaging sea vessels and downloading music illegally. A recent statement released by the International Maritime Bureau warns mariners “to be extra cautious and tak...

Last night I must have set a new land speed record for “The Swiftest Semi-Asleep Human Exiting a Bed at 2.49am.” I was fast asleep when a belligerent Christmas Beetle landed on my cheek with a resounding thump and proceeded to raucously lounge around on my face, buzzing loudly in such a manner as to convey the message “Wakey, wakey sleepy head!” This startling Christmas beetle encounter could only mean that right now ~ and just brace yourself for this acutely unsettling thought ~ somewhere in the world David Hasselhoff could be creating a Christmas cd. (Oh the unspeakable horror!!!!!!!!!!!) But let’s not dwell too long on the nightmarish implications of that, lest we all lose the will to live. Rather let’s focus on the task at hand which is festive procrastination; the annual job of ushering in the holidays by putting off doing our Christmas gift shopping until the very last minute. Q) Why do we do this to ourselves year after year? A) Because it is the only way to guarantee tha...