The Human Domino Effect

Last week I travelled from Birmingham down to Kent to spend a week with my parents. When I booked my trip online, the website informed me that I would have to take 3 trains and a tube to reach my destination. In theory this seemed easy enough, however, when you factor in a rapidly-moving escalator and a ridiculously heavy shoulder bag, the result is a fascinating public exhibition of the human domino effect in the London Subway.

Not to brag, but I have a degree of upper body strength rarely found in the living - outside retirement villages, that is. If I had to arm-wrestle an asparagus I would probably lose. Historically when it comes to me, the terms “upper” “body” and “strength” are never used in a favourable combination. So, it is somewhat ironic that I don’t own any of those nice suitcases with wheels; I only have big shoulder bags you carry. With my remarkably pathetic biceps in mind, I tried to pack light for this holiday by only including the “basic essentials” – a packing term that has been universally misunderstood by the male species since the invention of the suitcase.

Men; “basic essentials” does NOT mean one clean shirt and a Swiss Army Knife! Basic packing essentials are smart, smart-casual, and casual outfits, plus something to wear if the weather changes, 67 pairs of shoes, accessories to match all possible outfit combinations, toiletries, a hairdryer, make-up, tissues, a towel, a hair towel, a face towel, a hand towel, a back-up towel, a face cloth, an umbrella, a tasteful collection of hand bags, enough hairclips to set off a metal detector, a first aid kit, and a list of Emergency Contacts that rivals an outdoor survival guide book.

So, in the end my bag weighed the same as Victoria Beckham.

Part way through my journey, I had to take a long escalator up from the bowels of the London Underground. In a blatant disregard for the 30cm personal space rule, commuters insist on standing closer than I believe is strictly necessary on escalators and other heavy machinery such as trains, tubes, the London Eye, and all sidewalks. And there I was; exiting the subway toting a bag so colossal it looked like I was attempting to smuggle a small colony of Himalayan yaks into the country. Therefore, as I stepped onto the escalator I bent slightly forward and tried balancing my bag on my back in a feeble attempt to occupy as little space as possible on the severely overcrowded escalator. I succeeded in tottering there unsteadily for an impressive 11 seconds before my core muscles resigned and I lurched gracefully backwards – throwing myself and my hefty bag into the arms of the unfortunate commuter on the step below me... who, in turn, staggered flailingly into the arms of the unsuspecting commuter below him, and on and on and on it went: the Human Domino Effect performed in breathtaking Technicolor in the London subway. It would have made any synchronized swimming team jealous!

For the record, this is a great way to break the conversational ice with strangers but is not a technique I’d recommend if you’re hoping to ingratiate yourself with the locals. I apologized profusely in my best don’t-be-mad-I’m-a-foreigner accent and attempted to act natural for the remainder of the excessively long escalator ride, while the commuters occupying the 8 steps below me eyed my bag fretfully while remaining in a state of acute anxiety at all times.

After exiting the escalator, I attempted to swing my bag onto my other shoulder but merely succeeded in flinging myself wildly off course and into an awkward Mambo shimmy with a lady walking towards me. At that point I decided I’d rather be anywhere but there, even arm-wrestling an asparagus.