Verbal High Fives

Last weekend I went away to Symonds Yat with 24 of my closest friends:– a group of people who are still desperately trying to remember my name. We went away for some much needed R and R – which I believe is an acronym for 'Romping Reindeer' or 'Risky Recreation' because we almost killed ourselves in our outdoor pursuits and I’m certain I heard reindeer prancing on the barn roof at night. On Saturday afternoon I elected to go abseiling in the Royal Forest of Dean which was a little scary because some idiot -- the Symonds Yat Great Outdoors Authorities should really look into this right away -- had placed large quantities of gravity right at the bottom of the 500 foot vertical cliff face! Real abseiling (and I know this information may shock those of you who have never been abseiling before) takes place mainly in the environment which consists primarily of “dirt” and “nature” – a lethal combination that can easily kill you if you do not remain alert and correctly ...

I am one of the many commuters who make use of the United Kingdom’s public transport system every day. Sure, it sounds somewhat tedious and a tad dull but using public transport – particularly the D bus – recently became a bit of an extreme sport. On Wednesday this week I boarded the D bus outside my office which, unbeknownst to me, was being driven by a fairly "enthusiastic" bus driver (I am using the term "enthusiastic" here more in the sense of ‘slightly unhinged’). He was in his early 20s, wore Oakley sunglasses and had no hair on top of his head. That was because it was all growing out of his ears; he had so much ear hair it looked like he’d snorted a Persian cat. And h e drove the D bus that afternoon with all the passion of a man who had a disgruntled Persian cat in his trousers. I knew the ride home was going to be something special when he floored it before everyone was seated. This resulted in a human pile-up towards the rear of the bus. T ...

Today I started my new job. I was merely one of forty eager recruits beginning the company’s 3 week induction course. First, we got our employee photo ID badges on lanyards which we need to wear at ALL TIMES least we forget how good looking we are or how to spell our names. This employee ID badge is pretty powerful. It not only gives me FREE bus rides in town but, if swiped correctly, it also gives me access into the building, the company elevator, the toilets, my office floor, and it enables me to moon walk. If I swipe it incorrectly it locks me out of the building/ my office/ the elevator/ all toilets for 3 minutes while simultaneously transporting me into an extra terrestrial space craft. Therefore I swipe it with utmost care. Part of the induction course is to do extensive in-house training (and by ‘in house training’ I obviously mean that they 'try to break our spirit.') We spent the morning discovering the reasons why group ice breakers were originally invented; to m...

Many people believe that Fridays are the best day of the week because they’re the start of the weekend. Statistically, Fridays are the best day of the week to ask for a raise and buy into the stock market. If days of the week were people, Fridays would undoubtedly be Chuck Norris. Typically the world is just a better place on Fridays – ‘Thank God it’s Friday’ right? But sporadically a rouge Friday comes along; a bad Friday who has been spending far too much time with insufferable Mondays... Last Friday was rogue. It was cold. So cold, that by comparison the inside of my refrigerator could be accurately described as “somewhat balmy.” And I had a job interview which meant I had to venture outside into the cold to catch the bus. It also meant I was heroically wearing high heels in public – footwear I generally reserve for dire emergencies like a date, or weddings, or death. My walking speed in high heels is drastically reduced. As a result I was running late. So I was scampering do...

Last week I travelled from Birmingham down to Kent to spend a week with my parents. When I booked my trip online, the website informed me that I would have to take 3 trains and a tube to reach my destination. In theory this seemed easy enough, however, when you factor in a rapidly-moving escalator and a ridiculously heavy shoulder bag, the result is a fascinating public exhibition of the human domino effect in the London Subway. Not to brag, but I have a degree of upper body strength rarely found in the living - outside retirement villages, that is. If I had to arm-wrestle an asparagus I would probably lose. Historically when it comes to me, the terms “upper” “body” and “strength” are never used in a favourable combination. So, it is somewhat ironic that I don’t own any of those nice suitcases with wheels; I only have big shoulder bags you carry. With my remarkably pathetic biceps in mind, I tried to pack light for this holiday by only including the “basic essentials” – a packing term...

New Year - the time of year when we, fuelled by expired Christmas leftovers, look within and make some substantial life-altering goals such as electing to submit our unsuspecting body to surprising bouts of unsolicited exercise and resolving to forgo delightfully staple food groups like carbohydrates, chocolates, and KFC in a quest to determine whether we truly can trim our waistline by consuming a mere lettuce leaf and 2 rice cakes daily without gnawing off our own arms out of sheer hunger.  We humans take this job of setting New Year’s Resolutions very, very seriously; after all we fully intend to stick to them for the rest of the calendar year (I am using the term “calendar year” here in the sense of “for at least the first 5 days of January”). Previously I made the rookie mistake of severely over-estimating my ability to rise to the challenge of a multi-pronged New Year’s Resolutions list, therefore this year I have made only one. In 201...

I recently went on an international flight. I was meant to fly on the 23rd of December but my flight was cancelled due to “extreme weather conditions” at my destination. “Extreme weather conditions” is a term used by airlines when their staff just want to take the day off. It is such an incredibly versatile term that it can be used by anyone in any situation. Allow me to demonstrate:  Mom: Jonny! Why did you hit your sister with a cricket bat?  Jonny: Extreme weather conditions made me do it! University Lecturer: Samantha, where is your final dissertation? Samantha: Extreme weather conditions ate it. CEO: Your honour, I could not fill in my company’s tax returns online for the last 10 years due to extreme weather conditions. In the end, I flew on Christmas Eve. Due to a backlog of passengers created by “extreme weather conditions,” my travel agent advised me to arrive at the airport 5 hours early to ensure I got my seat on the plane. I checked in and spent the ...

I was driving home the other evening in my friend’s car when suddenly … nothing happened! Literally; the car just died in the middle of a traffic circle [roundabout] . Fortunately the car had enough momentum left to exit the traffic circle and, as I inched along the road at a speed normally associated with a racing slug, I deemed it “somewhat ambitious” to try and still make it home by “travelling mainly downhill.” So I pulled over and there I was; stranded at 9:30pm in a dark side road with no street lights while the car enjoyed an ill-timed power nap. As I waited for my friend to come and tow me home, I passed the time by considering every conceivable type of danger (both real and imaginary) that could possibly befall me; a helpless maiden stuck in her snoozing chariot in the perilous night. In a matter of minutes, I’d thrown all logic aside and mentally tormented myself to such a degree that I was thoroughly convinced I wasn’t going to make it out of this experience alive – after ...

I am favorably inclined towards collecting. I have a long and vivid history of collecting things that serve absolutely no benefit to me whatsoever; such as funny magazine adverts and Boys2Men CDs. At one stage during my colourful teen years I was collecting an alarming total of 23 different things which, for the sake of my dignity, I shall refrain from naming. I am no longer a “collector” as such but I do have a fondness for hording, so last Saturday I decided it was time for a thorough spring clean. I ended up throwing out roughly 2 metric tons of arbitrary items I’d been saving for the last 7 years, including a wooden candle holder in the shape of a foot with a raised big toe that is ugly enough to call into question whether I should ever be allowed to shop for household items unsupervised. (Don’t judge me; I’m just as horrified as you are!!) At the end of my spring clean, I had a full garbage bag of old bank statements I wanted to get rid of. And, since I don’t own a shredder, ...

Oh, it’s a most wonderful time of the year – a brief couple of weeks in which one can get away with saying things like “Hark,” “Excelsis!” and “Troll the ancient Yule tide carol” and not even be detained for mental evaluation by the Straight Jacket Society. The Christmas lights are up and the Christmas music is playing merrily in the hallowed halls of the shopping malls. If you are an adult, it’s the season to be cultivating your stomach ulcers by means of shopping-induced stress, if you are a child, ‘tis the season to be freaked out by Santa. Upon visiting two local shopping malls within the last week, I have been somewhat distressed by their Santas. The Santa in the mall where I work is home-made, and it has a face-mask that has no eyes. As if that weren’t freaky enough, he is perched precariously on a ledge three storeys up and has a sign dangling from his neck that states ‘Suicidal Santa’ in large black letters!! The other mall’s Santa wasn’t wearing any underpants and had...