Large Quantities of Gravity

Last weekend I went away to Symonds Yat with 24 of my closest friends:– a group of people who are still desperately trying to remember my name. We went away for some much needed R and R – which I believe is an acronym for 'Romping Reindeer' or 'Risky Recreation' because we almost killed ourselves in our outdoor pursuits and I’m certain I heard reindeer prancing on the barn roof at night.

On Saturday afternoon I elected to go abseiling in the Royal Forest of Dean which was a little scary because some idiot -- the Symonds Yat Great Outdoors Authorities should really look into this right away -- had placed large quantities of gravity right at the bottom of the 500 foot vertical cliff face!

Real abseiling (and I know this information may shock those of you who have never been abseiling before) takes place mainly in the environment which consists primarily of “dirt” and “nature” – a lethal combination that can easily kill you if you do not remain alert and correctly attired at all times. Therefore, we all wore a stylish helmet in order to ensure that nothing the environment threw at us – rocks, dirt, Saber-tooth Tigers, other abseiliers etc  – would damage our brains or ruin our hairstyles.

We went abseiling to be near nature and to risk getting killed by “falling” – which is a technical abseiling term used to describe that moment when you realise you put your harness on backwards or forgot to tighten the straps. We also did it because we are youthful and the Royal Forest of Dean has a way of doing crazy things with your sense of logic; like removing it completely.

We got to our abseiling spot, looked over the cliff edge and all simultaneously remembered we urgently had someplace else to be. Just kidding! We were bold and fearless and no one considered running back to the safely of Holly Barn. Except me. You see; I’ve had an issue with heights ever since I fell 3 storeys by mistake when I was 13 years old. So when it was my turn to abseil I was somewhat apprehensive; unsettled by the knowledge that gravity wanted to have its way with me just like it did back in 1995.

As I perched there on the edge of the precipice, strapped to a rope so thin I was certain it fell into the Dental Floss genre; I focused on the important things like breathing and maintaining the illusion of bladder control. I gripped that piece of glorified dental floss and courageously inched backwards over the edge and within a few minutes I found myself dangling over the cliff face, embracing the rope with a passion normally associated with Soap Opera death scenes. But I did it. It may not have been graceful, it may not have been shriek-free, but it was exhilarating! So I did it again.

The second time we went down an even scarier section which included a large overhang. This afforded us ample opportunity to lounge around mid-air for minutes at a time, displaying facial expressions that conveyed the message “We are strapped into abseiling harnesses that have the ability to convert men into women and are thus experiencing the worst hip-area discomfort of our young lives!” So, to keep our minds off this intense groinal discomfort, we seized the chance to engage in profound intellectual wordplay with each other such as "I am so scared right now I want to vomit!!!!" and “Does my bum look big in this harness?”

So if you’re unsure of whether you should go abseiling, here’s a helpful quiz to determine whether you are a good abseiling candidate: Question 1: Are you presently alive? If you have answered “Yes” to any of these questions, you should definitely go abseiling. Sure you may die from “falling” but what could be worse than never knowing the answer to one of life's greatest questions - whether your bum does look big in a harness?