Congratulations men, women and children; you have made it to May in The Worst-Case-Scenario Olympics that has been the year 2020! That means you have survived bush fires; multiple floods; the worldwide spread of the Covid-19 Pandemic; the implementation of Lockdown and being forced to spend a sanity-threatening amount of time cooped up at home with your loved ones, and Murder Hornets. And so I’m wondering - as I’m sure you are - what fresh dread awaits us next month in June (also known as the 6th level of Jumanji)?? Maybe it will come in the form of an asteroid, the loss of gravity, a new Teletubbies album, or sharknados.
Oh, you think shark-infested tornadoes converging on land to deliver seawater teeming with nature’s deadliest killers ready to dine on mankind sounds a tad far-fetched, huh? Well, you probably also thought that there would never come a time when humble items such as toilet paper and hand sanitizer would become more valuable than money, and then April rolled around and proved you wrong. So methinks it’s probably best that we not discount anything in 2020. Let’s just all accept that these are unpredictable, somewhat apocalyptic times - so much so that it kind of feels like Morgan Freeman should be narrating our lives right now. You keep expecting to wake up and realise it’s all just been a really bad dream but instead, what continues to happen is you wake up and realise you’re actually living this frustratingly weird Leap Year where so far there have been 31 days in January, 29 days in February, 7 weeks in March, and 2 years in April.
And you don’t want to say it out loud (because then you’d really sound crazy) but you’re beginning to suspect that at some point during the Lockdown we have all turned into Ninja Turtles because now we also wear face masks, eat loads of pizza, shy away from society, and are battling our own alien invader. So you go about your day; logging in to your work Zoom meetings, teaching your kids Math, and queuing for 45 minutes just to do grocery shopping... but randomly, when you’re in the grocery store you whisper, “Cowabunga Dude,” to see whether anyone else has also stumbled upon this super realisation and makes eye contact with you to give you a knowing (but appropriately socially-distant) head nod back such as to silently communicate the message back: “Message received fellow Ninja Turtle.”
Really, you’re just trying your hardest to get through your day and not let the Coronavirus take every little thing from you because it’s already taken your ability to see your friends and family, to go out to work, to send your kids off to school, have any personal space whatsoever, to eat cake after someone has blown on it, and to watch sport. It’s also stolen your waistline, your motivation to get out of your pyjamas, the ability to choose which direction you want to walk down the shopping aisles in, to touch elevator and crosswalk buttons directly with your fingertips, as well as your desire not to want to drink wine before 10:00am... so, let’s be honest here; the struggle is real. Most recently, Covid-19 has ruined songs for me.
The other day, I was listening to Alanis Morissette’s song, ‘Hand In My Pocket’ and while she’s singing, “What it all comes down to is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine” - and I'm thinking, ‘Well I’m not so sure anymore, Alanis. What with the bushfires, floods, global pandemic...it doesn’t feel fine right now’... And then she’s singing, "'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket" - and all I can think of is; ‘Girl, I hope that hand is sanitised!’... And then she sings, “And the other one is…” and I’m silently pleading with her 'Alanis. I really hope you’re about to say ‘The other one is catching it, binning it, and killing it’... But like a rebel, without flinching she sings, “And the other one is giving a high five” - and my face cringed in disappointment and I actually said out loud, “SERIOUSLY Alanis!? That is NOT going to help us flatten the curve, is it!?!”
Sadly this is not an isolated incident. It’s happening all the time to me with songs. So thanks Coronavirus: I now am incapable of listening to the radio anymore without a judgemental Covid-themed conga line dancing through my head! But I do wonder what songs will be like after all this. If songs are usually a reflection of our lives, then are we going to start hearing songs that talk about social distancing, face masks, and the Lockdown? “There is something so hot about her and I don’t think it’s just the fever. Because of this extended Lockdown now I know I cannot see her. Without her in my life, my heart’s as empty as the supermarket shelf. I would take six feet apart all day, over time spent with myself. So put your mask on girl, and let's meet at Lidl to buy some food. We will keep six feet apart, of course, Cowabunga Dude!”
Come to think of it, maybe bad Covid songs are what we all have survive as the 6th level of Jumanji.
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