Many people think that Christmas is a stressful time of the year and it is; what with black ice on the roads, unprecedented exposure to Carollers, the strain of gift shopping in a recession, and the alarming increase of grown adults dressed as Elves - replete with green tights and short shorts - appearing in our Shopping Centers. But the main problem with Christmas is not the challenge of wrapping Christmas presents successfully without getting your hamster/cat/Chihuahua stuck in the wrapping tape. The REAL problem with Christmas is raisins.
Christmas is the time to survive on Goodwill To All Men. And raisins. In fact, the term “Merry Christmas” was originally taken from the term “Feliz Navidad” which is Spanish for “Who needs more raisins?” That’s because raisins, never content to just sit around in a dark cupboard at Christmas, feel the need to go out and infiltrate Festive snacks in some kind of world domination way.
For years now, most Christmas related foodstuffs have suffered major ingredient malfunction - specifically involving raisins, which means that raisins can be found in Rum and Raisin Christmas pudding, Mince Pies, Christmas Rice with almonds and raisins, Panettone, Pudding Cheese, Christmas Cakes, Stollen, Christmas branded boxes of raisins etc. At this time of year, these little mouth horrors are absolutely EVERYWHERE!
What makes people want to put raisins in Christmas foodstuffs? Is it their taste? Is it the unnervingly undefinable hard bits lurking inside them? Is it that they are so fossilised, they can remain in your body for a really, really long time - like typically until next Christmas? Is it the fact that they look like glorified rat poop? What is the secret to the enduring appeal of these little vulgarities in a brave Christmas era that contains things to eat like bacon-wrapped sausages, gammon, legs of lamb, hunks of cheese, gingerbread men, mulled wine, chocolate-related tree decorations, and those salmon mousse thingies?
I've got nothing against grapes. I am a massive a fan of grapes - after all, grapes have contributed greatly to our society in the form of wine, juice, jams, sweets, and of course, wrath. But what have raisins ever done for us? Apart from trying to kill your pets, that is.
We simply cannot afford to be so complacent towards these little wrinkled killers. Did you know that if a dog ingests just a handful of raisins, they can cause severe - sometimes COMPLETELY FATAL - kidney failure? You didn’t know that, did you, because you’ve just fed your dog a mince pie (which means you are currently armpit-deep in its mouth desperately trying to fish the deadly stuff out of its entrails.)
At this point, I feel that I should state for the record, that I am not unilaterally prejudiced towards raisins and the dangerous effects they have on dogs. If your furry friends ate the Christmas tree along with other holiday-associated decorations, for example, they'd probably also experience kidney failure or at least endure some form of general well-being failure. So, the Festive Safety Lesson we merry folk can all learn here today, is: “Never wilfully feed your dog holiday-related decorations”. But also, “Never wilfully feed your dog grown adults dressed as elves - replete with green tights and short shorts - because they probably have ingested some form of Christmas foodstuffs recently and are, therefore, treacherously riddled with raisins.”
Christmas is the time to survive on Goodwill To All Men. And raisins. In fact, the term “Merry Christmas” was originally taken from the term “Feliz Navidad” which is Spanish for “Who needs more raisins?” That’s because raisins, never content to just sit around in a dark cupboard at Christmas, feel the need to go out and infiltrate Festive snacks in some kind of world domination way.
For years now, most Christmas related foodstuffs have suffered major ingredient malfunction - specifically involving raisins, which means that raisins can be found in Rum and Raisin Christmas pudding, Mince Pies, Christmas Rice with almonds and raisins, Panettone, Pudding Cheese, Christmas Cakes, Stollen, Christmas branded boxes of raisins etc. At this time of year, these little mouth horrors are absolutely EVERYWHERE!
What makes people want to put raisins in Christmas foodstuffs? Is it their taste? Is it the unnervingly undefinable hard bits lurking inside them? Is it that they are so fossilised, they can remain in your body for a really, really long time - like typically until next Christmas? Is it the fact that they look like glorified rat poop? What is the secret to the enduring appeal of these little vulgarities in a brave Christmas era that contains things to eat like bacon-wrapped sausages, gammon, legs of lamb, hunks of cheese, gingerbread men, mulled wine, chocolate-related tree decorations, and those salmon mousse thingies?
I've got nothing against grapes. I am a massive a fan of grapes - after all, grapes have contributed greatly to our society in the form of wine, juice, jams, sweets, and of course, wrath. But what have raisins ever done for us? Apart from trying to kill your pets, that is.
We simply cannot afford to be so complacent towards these little wrinkled killers. Did you know that if a dog ingests just a handful of raisins, they can cause severe - sometimes COMPLETELY FATAL - kidney failure? You didn’t know that, did you, because you’ve just fed your dog a mince pie (which means you are currently armpit-deep in its mouth desperately trying to fish the deadly stuff out of its entrails.)
At this point, I feel that I should state for the record, that I am not unilaterally prejudiced towards raisins and the dangerous effects they have on dogs. If your furry friends ate the Christmas tree along with other holiday-associated decorations, for example, they'd probably also experience kidney failure or at least endure some form of general well-being failure. So, the Festive Safety Lesson we merry folk can all learn here today, is: “Never wilfully feed your dog holiday-related decorations”. But also, “Never wilfully feed your dog grown adults dressed as elves - replete with green tights and short shorts - because they probably have ingested some form of Christmas foodstuffs recently and are, therefore, treacherously riddled with raisins.”
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