I was off to visit the zoo. It had been on my ‘To Do’ list for ages because I am from Africa and have therefore never seen real animals in captivity before. I've rather been forced to wrestle them out of my swimming pool (snakes), out of my kitchen (monkeys), and away from my quad bike (lions) in direct mortal combat. Frankly, I was looking forward to admiring them in a more controlled environment where I was not at imminent risk of being poisoned, bitten, disfigured or otherwise morbidly neutralised.
First we "saw" the lions. They were massive. They were majestic. They were completely ignoring us by hiding in the bushes and facing the back wall in a manner that openly communicated, “I care nothing for the £14.95 you paid to objectify me.”
I was initially concerned about how small the lion cage was (thinking that you couldn't even swing a cat in such a confined space) but then I remembered DreamWorks’ factual animated documentaries, Madagascar 1, 2, & 3, which accurately depict the real lives of genuine zoo animals. These enlightening real life documentaries reveal how zoo animals routinely come out of their zoo cages after dark and go out for a night on the town to stretch their legs and engage in some light, recreational activities such as sightseeing, hijacking commercial cargo boats, flying planes, driving pimped up A-Team vans, joining the circus, gambling, and frequenting the enticing tourist destinations of Madagascar, the African “bush” and Monte Carlo. So then I felt better, consoled by the knowledge that they have a more enterprising and far-flung social life than I do!
After the lions, we entered the particularly riveting Nocturnal section of the Zoo which comprised a series of dark tunnels with viewing windows that revealed enclosures containing essentially "nothing" in terms of nocturnal wildlife. Crowds of people amalgamated in front of viewing windows to peruse a display of branches, twigs and leaves - all lit by a black light which was supposed to communicate to the animals housed therein, the concept of “nighttime.” Expectant visitors pressed their noses to the glass and enthusiastically pointed out entirely nonexistent nocturnal “animals” that any biopsy would define (genetically speaking) as being members of the wooden log family.
Bored of looking at nocturnal leaves and twigs, we swiftly moved on to the Reptile enclosure where we spent minutes at a time scanning trees for bugs that looked like leaves or twigs in daylight (commonly known as Stick insects). The highlight for me was watching a particularly indecisive Chameleon move from one branch to another - relocating between to same two branches over and over again; no sooner settling on one branch then moving back across to the other. I think he might have OCD. Apparently being a reptile is a deeply confusing business - if you're not pretending to be a twig you're torn between which branch to commit to. Someone should look into this.
And then we went on to the Aquarium which housed the most runway-ready seal I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing. She was like an aquatic Kylie Jenner only with more rampant hair coverage and a BMI that exceeds that of a lipstick.
No one could deny that this seal was an utter professional - she knew how to work a crowd; taking the time to look at cameras pointed at her from all sides of the pool and frequently rearranging herself into another dexterous pose that demonstrated a caliber of salty posing showmanship that can only be developed over years of watching Baywatch (most likely from the ocean when it was being filmed - because, let's be honest here; seals don't own televisions let alone pay their TV licenses).
The Meerkats were a synchronized delight. They would charge around their enclosure en masse, oozing with enthusiasm, arrive at a point of interest, stand on their hind legs and pull a face such as to communicate the communal concept “Wait! What’s going on?” Then they’d scamper off in the opposite direction, and, in perfect unison, screech to halt, rise up, look at nothing in particular, and think “Seriously! What’s going on?” Repeat this 900 times and you a the gist of their daily routine. With such a hectic daily schedule it’s a miracle they find the time to complete all those car insurance quotes!
And lastly, my personal favorite; the Lemurs! They were a pretty chilled out bunch - nonchalantly staring at us through the window whilst picking through each other’s fur and casually sipping something that had the unnerving shade of a urine specimen (which could, in all likeliness, BE a urine specimen based on the obvious lack of herbal tea bags located within their enclosure). But then again, it could just be the remnants of a Monte Carlo cocktail they'd brought back the night before.
First we "saw" the lions. They were massive. They were majestic. They were completely ignoring us by hiding in the bushes and facing the back wall in a manner that openly communicated, “I care nothing for the £14.95 you paid to objectify me.”
I was initially concerned about how small the lion cage was (thinking that you couldn't even swing a cat in such a confined space) but then I remembered DreamWorks’ factual animated documentaries, Madagascar 1, 2, & 3, which accurately depict the real lives of genuine zoo animals. These enlightening real life documentaries reveal how zoo animals routinely come out of their zoo cages after dark and go out for a night on the town to stretch their legs and engage in some light, recreational activities such as sightseeing, hijacking commercial cargo boats, flying planes, driving pimped up A-Team vans, joining the circus, gambling, and frequenting the enticing tourist destinations of Madagascar, the African “bush” and Monte Carlo. So then I felt better, consoled by the knowledge that they have a more enterprising and far-flung social life than I do!
After the lions, we entered the particularly riveting Nocturnal section of the Zoo which comprised a series of dark tunnels with viewing windows that revealed enclosures containing essentially "nothing" in terms of nocturnal wildlife. Crowds of people amalgamated in front of viewing windows to peruse a display of branches, twigs and leaves - all lit by a black light which was supposed to communicate to the animals housed therein, the concept of “nighttime.” Expectant visitors pressed their noses to the glass and enthusiastically pointed out entirely nonexistent nocturnal “animals” that any biopsy would define (genetically speaking) as being members of the wooden log family.
Bored of looking at nocturnal leaves and twigs, we swiftly moved on to the Reptile enclosure where we spent minutes at a time scanning trees for bugs that looked like leaves or twigs in daylight (commonly known as Stick insects). The highlight for me was watching a particularly indecisive Chameleon move from one branch to another - relocating between to same two branches over and over again; no sooner settling on one branch then moving back across to the other. I think he might have OCD. Apparently being a reptile is a deeply confusing business - if you're not pretending to be a twig you're torn between which branch to commit to. Someone should look into this.
And then we went on to the Aquarium which housed the most runway-ready seal I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing. She was like an aquatic Kylie Jenner only with more rampant hair coverage and a BMI that exceeds that of a lipstick. No one could deny that this seal was an utter professional - she knew how to work a crowd; taking the time to look at cameras pointed at her from all sides of the pool and frequently rearranging herself into another dexterous pose that demonstrated a caliber of salty posing showmanship that can only be developed over years of watching Baywatch (most likely from the ocean when it was being filmed - because, let's be honest here; seals don't own televisions let alone pay their TV licenses).
The Meerkats were a synchronized delight. They would charge around their enclosure en masse, oozing with enthusiasm, arrive at a point of interest, stand on their hind legs and pull a face such as to communicate the communal concept “Wait! What’s going on?” Then they’d scamper off in the opposite direction, and, in perfect unison, screech to halt, rise up, look at nothing in particular, and think “Seriously! What’s going on?” Repeat this 900 times and you a the gist of their daily routine. With such a hectic daily schedule it’s a miracle they find the time to complete all those car insurance quotes!
And lastly, my personal favorite; the Lemurs! They were a pretty chilled out bunch - nonchalantly staring at us through the window whilst picking through each other’s fur and casually sipping something that had the unnerving shade of a urine specimen (which could, in all likeliness, BE a urine specimen based on the obvious lack of herbal tea bags located within their enclosure). But then again, it could just be the remnants of a Monte Carlo cocktail they'd brought back the night before.
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