This year I’ve found myself engaged in a lot of home-improvement type activities: you know - painting walls, constructing lamps, potting plants, and successfully building an Ikea flat-pack chest of drawers and matching wardrobe without burning the incomprehensibly ridiculous cartoon instructions in a blind rage.
Last Saturday I was at a dinner party with 3 other women when someone suggested we attempt to re-mount a fallen curtain rail in the main bedroom. Now we didn’t have the benefit of a ladder, or tools, or even a man with a Swiss Army knife on the premises (I would be lying if I didn’t admit that wine was a factor in the decision-making process) but I was not deterred because even professionals will tell you; when it comes to DIY, the most important thing is not technical ability but to appear confident. And my confidence was at an all time high because I had a pretty impressive DIY track record inasmuch as I have never been trapped inside a flat-pack wardrobe I myself was building.
After familiarizing ourselves with our equipment - a chair and a Philips screwdriver - we were convinced, thanks to an inability to recognize our own incompetence, that we could tackle the task at hand without being mortally wounded by a screwdriver or falling out the first story window.
It wasn’t a traditional straight curtain rail but a flexible rail track designed for bay windows with 10 clips that snap into 10 corresponding wall-mounted brackets (See: you're already impressed with my DIY technical knowledge). This design is so ingenious because it enables the curtain to hang snugly against a curving window whilst simultaneously multiplying the number of ways we could mess this up by a factor of 10.
We got off to a strong start by merrily screwing the rail end cap on upside down whilst emitting professional DIY themed dialogue such as “What does this thingey do?” and “Could you please pass me my wine?” Next, we hung the deceptively heavy curtain on the fallen rail and then attempted to clip the curtained rail onto the wall-mounted brackets. This proved somewhat ineffective due to a combination of stupidity, gravity, and the fact that neither of us were professional weight lifters (seriously; do they make these curtains out of old chain mail?)
Finally, we resorted to unhooking the curtain from the rail so we could hang the rail on the wall first and then hook the curtain onto the rail afterwards (also known as the “logical” approach). This seemed like a good plan and things were generally progressing well, that is until I got stabbed in the ankle by the curtain... well, technically it was the colony of pins that had taken up a concealed residence in the hem of the curtain.
So that was a minor bump in the metaphorical road that is my journey with DIY. But I’m not giving up! In fact, Rufus Wainwright said it best in what is probably the most famous DIY song ever written; “The road is long, with many a winding turn, that leads us to... ‘Who knows where the emergency room is?’ But I’m strong, strong enough to carry on. It 'aint heavy, it's my home improvement project.” And if Rufus can carry on - in spite of numerous DIY-inflicted visits to the emergency room - then so too can I! But I am no fool. In future I shall take tactical precautionary action: such as never engaging with household decor, especially drapery, without the protection of hockey shin pads and special armoured socks.
Perhaps I should feel honored to have become a member of the Damaged by Décor Federation; a world wide assortment of innocent men and women who foolishly let their guard down and consequently fell prey to the wiles of the décor in their homes... who, inspite of this, continue to boldly engage in DIY projects whilst keeping a wary eye on their decorative sofa cushions - just in case they're harboring harpoons, dentist drills, or men with Swiss Army Knives.
Last Saturday I was at a dinner party with 3 other women when someone suggested we attempt to re-mount a fallen curtain rail in the main bedroom. Now we didn’t have the benefit of a ladder, or tools, or even a man with a Swiss Army knife on the premises (I would be lying if I didn’t admit that wine was a factor in the decision-making process) but I was not deterred because even professionals will tell you; when it comes to DIY, the most important thing is not technical ability but to appear confident. And my confidence was at an all time high because I had a pretty impressive DIY track record inasmuch as I have never been trapped inside a flat-pack wardrobe I myself was building.
After familiarizing ourselves with our equipment - a chair and a Philips screwdriver - we were convinced, thanks to an inability to recognize our own incompetence, that we could tackle the task at hand without being mortally wounded by a screwdriver or falling out the first story window.
It wasn’t a traditional straight curtain rail but a flexible rail track designed for bay windows with 10 clips that snap into 10 corresponding wall-mounted brackets (See: you're already impressed with my DIY technical knowledge). This design is so ingenious because it enables the curtain to hang snugly against a curving window whilst simultaneously multiplying the number of ways we could mess this up by a factor of 10.
Finally, we resorted to unhooking the curtain from the rail so we could hang the rail on the wall first and then hook the curtain onto the rail afterwards (also known as the “logical” approach). This seemed like a good plan and things were generally progressing well, that is until I got stabbed in the ankle by the curtain... well, technically it was the colony of pins that had taken up a concealed residence in the hem of the curtain.
So that was a minor bump in the metaphorical road that is my journey with DIY. But I’m not giving up! In fact, Rufus Wainwright said it best in what is probably the most famous DIY song ever written; “The road is long, with many a winding turn, that leads us to... ‘Who knows where the emergency room is?’ But I’m strong, strong enough to carry on. It 'aint heavy, it's my home improvement project.” And if Rufus can carry on - in spite of numerous DIY-inflicted visits to the emergency room - then so too can I! But I am no fool. In future I shall take tactical precautionary action: such as never engaging with household decor, especially drapery, without the protection of hockey shin pads and special armoured socks.
Perhaps I should feel honored to have become a member of the Damaged by Décor Federation; a world wide assortment of innocent men and women who foolishly let their guard down and consequently fell prey to the wiles of the décor in their homes... who, inspite of this, continue to boldly engage in DIY projects whilst keeping a wary eye on their decorative sofa cushions - just in case they're harboring harpoons, dentist drills, or men with Swiss Army Knives.
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