Zip-Mastering Arachnids

I recently broke one of four fundamental rules that govern my adult life:
1. Never leave the house without antibacterial hand sanitizer.
2. Never listen to Kenny G.
3. Never watch a musical unless being forced to do so at gunpoint.
4. Never go camping after 1997.

I broke rule Number 4.

Camping is widely promoted as an outdoor recreational activity which offers the participant a "wonderful" opportunity to get close to nature. As a nature-lover myself, I thrive on engaging with nature in its various untamed natural wilderness states - as long as it is on TV or located within 5 feet of urban sprawl and plumbing. 

So, it was with a certain amount of apprehension (and a statistically alarming quantity of antibacterial hand sanitiser) that I recently found myself camping in a muddy show-ground in Shepton Mallet for mandatory - by which I mean “work-related” purposes. 

We were camping because, even though mankind has developed perfectly adequate towns and cities over the last 3000 years, camping is still one of the only ways you can encounter a cockroach the size of a surfboard in its natural environment (AKA the campsite shower blocks).

The air was filled with excitement, as well as the profound aroma of cattle's poop, as we arrived and began the complex and sometimes arduous process of setting up camp which included putting up tents and gazebos, blowing up mattresses, setting out camping equipment, being flooded by rain water, tripping over the guy ropes in the dark, marinating ourselves in insect repellant, fleeing from the giant cockroaches in the shower blocks, and considering whether we should relocate to the nearest B&B.

Even with all the benefits of camping that I have just mentioned, I remain a somewhat reticent camper. Since the Numerous Distressing Camping Experiences of 1996-1997 (which I have sworn to never speak of in detail) I will now only ever go camping under very special circumstances; such as that I have been kidnapped and am being held captive in a tent until the ransom is paid. 

In my opinion, one of the main problems with camping and “getting close to nature” is that nature, in return, gets close to you. For example; on day 5 of my recent camping ordeal, when I pulled out a t-shirt from the middle - yes I said MIDDLE - of my tightly stacked pile of clothes that were securely located within my thoroughly zipped suitcase, I discovered a rather large hairy spider residing on it. Yes you read that correctly; a spider so sizeable and hairy it could have been mistaken for a hamster was living inside my zipped suitcase! Now I know I did not initially pack this spider into my suitcase because 
A) I wouldn’t know how to approach a spider without collapsing instantly from fear, and 
B) I am not certifiably insane. 
Which means that this was a native, Shepton Mallet brand of spider that had infiltrated my suitcase.

This camping incident raises a few alarming questions such as; ‘How can Lady Gaga be so certain that we can’t read her poker face?’ and, ‘When did spiders learn how to use zips and what does this mean for our safety in the Great Outdoors when our main defence against nature and all of its wild critters are the zips on our flimsy tents?!’

But before you give up on camping and burn your tents, let me say this: there are real benefits to camping... although none come to mind right now. No wait! I’ve just thought of one; camping is a cost-effective vacation! And in these difficult financial times, if you’re looking for an austerity-friendly vacation option that combines the element of limitless outdoor fun with the element of potentially sharing your sleeping bag with zip-mastering arachnids, then camping is for you! Just remember to mind the guy ropes when you’re running for the B&B.