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A Passion I Don’t Normally Associate With Brickwork

I have not been able to operate heavy machinery for the last 10 days, nor the 30 years before that - but especially not in the last 10 days - thanks to Labyrinthitis. It’s an inner ear infection with a range of delightful symptoms that include Vertigo, nausea, and a pressing need to lie down at all times. Technically speaking, Vertigo is the light-headed, off-balance, out-of-sorts feeling you would get if you ascended too quickly when Scuba Diving in jelly, only it sadly doesn’t come with the fashion awesomeness of flippers or snackable environment.

Consequently, balancing has lately become a full-time occupation for me. Just getting out of bed and remaining upright seems like a strange new skill that requires a preposterous level of focused intent. I’m so vertically challenged that my single greatest personal achievement of recent days has been heroically bringing the spoon to my mouth with the cereal AND milk still in it.

I reached my lowest point last Wednesday when I had to make a second trip to see my doctor. I knew I was in no state to drive and my logical reasoning abilities had so deteriorated by that point, that it never occurred to me to ask someone to drive me there. Which meant I made the trip on foot. It took me 45 minutes to navigate the 6 block route, using what I’d perfected as a walking style that no normal person could successfully emulate without ingesting scandalous quantities of tequila.

I knew my greatest challenge would be crossing the road relying solely my peripheral vision, because turning my head to check for traffic was just not an option if I wanted to remain vertical. But to my delight I discovered that, if you open your eyelids wide enough, you can actually manage to get your eyeballs to roll voluntarily out of your head. That way you can turn them right, left, then right again - with your hands - to check for oncoming traffic before popping them back into your eye sockets and safely crossing the intersection.

After my doctor appointment, I started the journey home during the evening rush hour. By then I was feeling even worse than before, so just to stay upright, I had to embrace the walls and houses en route; clinging to them with a passion that I don’t normally associate with brickwork. By the time I made it back to my road, I was tottering along so slowly you’d need a fast-forward replay to even see me moving.

It was a harrowing ordeal and, as I am currently still a mere husk of my former self, I think it’s best I forgo all non-essential daily activities such as walking, moving, looking, turning, balancing, eating, knitting, prancing, chancing, and any other word ending in “ing” - at least until I figure out how to overcome the handicap of gravity.
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