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Demanding Too Much of Lycra


I recently moved to a country that (alarmingly!) cherishes wearing fancy dress. I was faintly mortified to realize that the average, hard-working, reasonably rational British citizen will seize every opportunity to embrace the Fancy Dress dress code; eagerly jumping into fancy-dress outfits for New Year parties, Halloween, church socials, staff parties, hen nights, weddings, lunch time, dentist appointments, filling in a tax return etc. This is unfortunate because I believe fancy dress is an outrage against humanity and strongly recommend that anyone suggesting fancy dress themed parties should either be (a.) quarantined or (b.) extradited to Australia.


You see, fancy dress violates one of the two fundamental principals that I live my life by:
1.) Never run with a chainsaw
2.) Never look directly at any Lycra-clad area of the human anatomy


Because everyone in the business of seeing (including guide dogs) cannot deny the glaring reality that fancy dress places far too high a demand on Lycra. Fancy dress enables men who possess a degree of musculature comparable to that of a bowl of jelly, to courageously surpass anything that hints at subtlety and stride fearlessly around in public clothed merely in Lycra, a cape and a pair of underpants. And if watching Dancing on Ice has taught us anything it is that seeing the average human body in Lycra on ice is no less traumatic than seeing the average human body in Lycra on land.


Consequently, last Saturday evening it was with mandatory reluctance that I found myself dressed as a nun in the Town Centre parking lot. (Apparently I successfully pulled off the Sister Mary Julie look because an elderly couple bowed their heads, greeted me as “Sister” and gave me queuing preference at the pay-and-display parking ticket machine. #Nailedit!)  

Once inside I could immediately spot the others who shared my dislike of fancy dress. Surrounded by approximately 200 cartoon, fantasy, sci-fi, film and TV characters (plus a super hero whose shorts were so tight I was convinced he’d needed the strength of Yogi bear plus the two members of the A-Team just to go to the loo) these people were the ones blending naturally into the scene by looking as relaxed as Government officials at a Hawaiian Lou Out. No matter how hard they tried to look casual, their mortified faces proclaimed “I’m enjoying this as much as a Colonoscopy!”

But I shouldn’t complain; against all odds; even in the midst of an unnaturally large selection of Lycra-clad individuals, I had an astoundingly good time. There was dancing and merriment and one could even get away with saying “You look really ridiculous” right to people’s faces which is a nice change! But I’m not entirely convinced; I still believe that fancy dress should only be reserved for emergencies like death or a Colonoscopy.
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Comments

  1. AnonymousJanuary 27, 2012 at 12:12 PM

    I feel you should do lots and lots of writing – it’s brilliant! You obviously have a gift there!

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousFebruary 9, 2012 at 10:36 PM

    'The lady doth protest too much methinks'... For I have seen her in her costume of choice, a blue starry blanket!

    ReplyDelete
  3. RussandusMarch 26, 2012 at 10:31 AM

    Personally I think you should permanently adopt the nun outfit. It obviously attracts useful social status and privilege, and it may also express your deep inner self. Yes, discard all your other clothes and fill your wardrobe with the necessary 2 habits. Oh, and you might find they can be worn as sleep wear too. SO versatile!

    ReplyDelete

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