Verbal High Fives

This week I was in the kitchen cooking dinner when I was attacked by ANOTHER Christmas beetle! It crashed into my elbow while I was stirring the chicken pasta. I got such a fright I screamed hysterically and temporarily forgot I was holding a spoon in the pot. On reflex, I thrashed my arm wildly in order to flick the darn thing off. Instead I just succeeded in launching a large piece of saucy chicken into the air – or as Buzz Lightyear prefers to call it, “To infinity and beyond!”   - because though I searched the kitchen carefully, I could not find it anywhere. In my hunt for the AWOL piece of chicken, I did manage to locate a Rain Spider so hideously large and hairy it looked as though it was sporting a large Chihuahua dog as a scarf. It skulked off and slunk behind the curtain with body language that proclaimed; “Follow me and you’ll lose a limb.” There were also a variety of flippy flying things harassing my kitchen light fixture and a slug leisurely mincing around on my bath...

Yesterday it was my turn to teach in our children’s churches youngest age group; the 2-5 year olds. Now, I always enjoying spending time with the kids because they just see the world in the most delightful way and being with them always reminds me how much a humble biscuit can do to bring peace and reconciliation among be-huffed little humans. I was tasked with telling the Bible story to a group of seventeen of them. Not to brag, but I think I did a decent job because I managed to avoid instigating a mass nose-picking-from-boredom situation during my story. Trust me; you can be thoroughly impressed – this really is easier said than done. Afterwards, I was asked to take a 3 year old girl to the bathroom, to answer nature’s call. Personal Disclaimer: Before I go any further, I would like to state for the record that I am currently not a mommy and I haven’t read ‘ The Idiot’s Guide To Taking Small Children To The Bathroom ’ and, hence there are some gaping holes in my understanding o...

Ahoy! You may have heard on the news that a week ago Somali pirates struck again and kidnapped two South African sailors. The South Africans were taken from their yacht, just off the Kenyan coast, and are still being held as hostages on the Somali main lands. Aquatic Alarm: the pirating business is booming; up 15% from 2009! Between January and September this year, pirates have sweet talked their way onto 128 ships worldwide - using only their swashbuckling charm, automatic weapons, and rocket propelled grenades to injure 27 crew members, kill 1, and take 773 others hostage. The International Maritime Bureau would have us believe that they’re doing all they can to quell pirating but claim that with Limewire and other pirating software freely available on the internet, there is little they can do to prevent pirates from pillaging sea vessels and downloading music illegally. A recent statement released by the International Maritime Bureau warns mariners “to be extra cautious and tak...

Last night I must have set a new land speed record for “The Swiftest Semi-Asleep Human Exiting a Bed at 2.49am.” I was fast asleep when a belligerent Christmas Beetle landed on my cheek with a resounding thump and proceeded to raucously lounge around on my face, buzzing loudly in such a manner as to convey the message “Wakey, wakey sleepy head!” This startling Christmas beetle encounter could only mean that right now ~ and just brace yourself for this acutely unsettling thought ~ somewhere in the world David Hasselhoff could be creating a Christmas cd. (Oh the unspeakable horror!!!!!!!!!!!) But let’s not dwell too long on the nightmarish implications of that, lest we all lose the will to live. Rather let’s focus on the task at hand which is festive procrastination; the annual job of ushering in the holidays by putting off doing our Christmas gift shopping until the very last minute. Q) Why do we do this to ourselves year after year? A) Because it is the only way to guarantee tha...

Cha Sa-soon, a 69 year old South Korean grandmother, has just passed her 960th driving test (960 -that is not a typo). Ironically her name means ‘vehicle’ in Korean. I’m not sure which part of her name means ‘vehicle’ in Korean but perhaps the first part means ‘avoid the’ in another language... When it comes to driving, I’ve heard it said that “practice makes perfect” but I disagree because old people are generally such bad drivers and they’ve been practicing the longest. In fact, when it comes to the elderly driving, practice just makes hazardous for most other road users - including wildlife and low-flying aircraft. The problem with the more “mature” driver is twofold:   They usually drive cars so old that their maximum driving speed does not exceed that of a relaxed glacier.   Most elderly couples tend to use the “wingman co-pilot” driving technique wherein the vision-impaired husband driver relies solely on instructions given by his wife in order to direct their movi...