Verbal High Fives

I am somewhat “into” hygiene and cleanliness. I think the unsung heroes of our generation are the Swedish geniuses who invented self-cleaning toilets. Furthermore, my idea of an “ideal guy” is Mr. Muscle; a man who not only LOVES household cleaning but looks terrific disinfecting surfaces whilst clad in orange lycra. This morning I was online reading the New York Times website when I came across an article dated 23 Feb 1999 entitled, ' On Germ Patrol, at the Kitchen Sink' . Obviously a title like this instantly appealed to my “somewhat into hygiene” gene, so I eagerly read it. I don’t know when the New York Times stopped writing cutting edge investigative news articles and started producing horrific horror pieces, but they really should have put a warning on their website that reads: “ WARNING: Not suitable for sensitive viewers or people who can’t read. This website may contain traces of nuts and information that will drive you nuts. Do not read while sleeping or operating h...

I love cats. I do not love washing a cat. Any cat owner knows that washing a cat is an extreme sport in which only those that possess a reckless disregard for their safety may participate… because a cat always interprets a bath as a hostile maneuver. I have had the incredible misfortune of washing many cats in my lifetime and the experiences have ranged from mildly painful to deeply traumatic. Catsmylove.com is a marvelous website that I discovered last week which is brimming with everything cat-related. The language featured on this website is unlike any I have ever had the pleasure of reading. In particular I found one article there on bathing cats that was very informative. Sadly the website domain has since expired; I really hope they renew it so you will be able to read it yourself. In the meantime I shall share the main points with you. ‘ It is not enough that in care of cats brings so not enough pleasure as necessity a cat to wash. Fortunately, cats, clean by the nature,...

Have you noticed that there is an alarming upsurge in the amount of very strange people lurking on our planet? Without placing the blame on anything in particular; I think it is entirely the fault of the internet. In my opinion, the World Wide Web is nurturing the unprecedented growth and expansion of human weirdness. It is a horrifying but statistical fact that all over the modern world educated people are joining bizarre online Appreciation Societies – not under compulsion or duress (nor under threat of death) but WILLFULLY! Truly there are large groups of like-minded people who, thanks to the internet, have managed to unite into nonsensical masses such as: The Pants Appreciation Society (Yes, we’re talking underwear here), The Pink Haired Weirdo Appreciation Society, The Gnome Appreciation Society, The Semicolon Appreciation Society, The Smoldering Men Appreciation Society, The Roundabout Appreciation Society, The Fart Appreciation Society, The Traffic Cones Appreciation Society, ...

I have been very busy the last two weeks learning to talk “receptionist”. I recently started a temporary job as a receptionist covering for a lady going on maternity leave. It turns out that being the ‘Face of the Company’ requires substantially more than merely good looks, a sunny disposition, and a full set of teeth… a receptionist needs to possess the Jedi-like power of taming the switchboard monster. I have found this to be somewhat challenging for 2 reasons: Firstly: There are 35 people working in this place and I’m struggling to learn all their names. At this point directing an incoming call to the correct staff member is as easy as putting lipstick on a buffalo. And apparently it is unhelpful to respond to the question “Is [Name] in the office?” with “Your guess is as good as mine”. Secondly: Every day at work contains all the ingredients for a cerebral challenge that rarely exists outside of the Mental Calculation World Cup. Why? Because I suffer from a (self-diagnosed) syndro...