Verbal High Fives

I consider myself a semi-professional-operation-haver because I am rather accomplished at requiring regular hospitalization. Not to brag; but once I even managed to get admitted to hospital just for having chicken pox… If they had a hospital version of the Frequent Flyer program, I’d be a Platinum Member by now. Last week I once again assumed the role of medical patient in order to sort out a pinched nerve I’d been suffering with. I checked in at 6.30am and was admitted into a 4 bedroom ward. Waiting on my bed was the traditional humiliating operation gown that says “ These are my buttocks ” when you wear them. Next, a nurse drove me into theatre (I am using the terms “into theatre” here in the sense of “literally into EVERYTHING in between my ward and the operating table - including six door frames, a lot of extremely expensive machinery, a cleaning cart, an innocent pot plant, a fruit fly, three surprised nurses, and two doctors scrubbing in for surgery.) You think I’m joking but I’m...

As an alert radio listener, I was quietly alarmed when I heard on Eye Witness News this morning that astronomers at Sheffield University, in cahoots with some more in Chile, have been “weighing” a star. According to The Guardian (and various other vaguely reputable online news sites) astrophysicists and astronomers have been using “the Very Large Telescope (VLT)” in “the Atacama desert of northern Chile” to “study R136a1” -> what they believe is “the largest star in our neighbouring galaxy”. The GOSEAAA (Group of Somewhat Excited Astrophysicists And Astronomers) believe it is the “most colossal star on record” and apparently the logical conclusion to such a discovery is that it simply must be weighed. The online article continued on to say that “Astronomers also have a limited range in which to look for them [stars].  In clusters that are too far away, it isn't always possible to tell if a telescope has picked up on one heavyweight star or two smaller ones in close proximity... ...

On Saturday South Africans witnessed the defiant rise of the animal kingdom during the semi-final of the Absa Currie Cup in Durban between the Sharks and Vodacom Blue Bulls. A large swarm of bees delayed the start of the semi final rugby match by 45 minutes when they arrived just before kick-off and laid claim to the rugby pitch. The bees mingled on the lawn and made rugby-relatedsmall talk such as “Where is the pollen?” while the match organizers diplomatically tried to encourage them to move on. Commentators and fans alike were utterly astonished by this rare interference from the animal kingdom and scientists immediately began researching whether bees prefer watching rugby directly from the pitch or on tv. The sobering truth, however, is that the animal kingdom is revolting. And by “revolting” I obviously mean “uprising.” For centuries the animal kingdom has been the unfortunate source of scientists’ incredibly overdeveloped (and misplaced) inquisitive minds. Scientists the world ov...

Last week I went to see a range of doctors because I wasn’t feeling well and we all know that that is the only surefire way to guarantee one spends exorbitant amounts of money to be told what ISN’T wrong with your body. Finally a doctor actually gave me a diagnosis and I need an operation to release a pinched nerve in my right side. I was prescribed medication to help with the pain but it made me drowsy (I am using the term “drowsy” here in the sense of “unintentional power naps during peak hour traffic”). Two days (and countless power naps) later I was prescribed a non-drowsy painkiller which I’d never heard of before but I took two and hoped for the best. Later that day I experienced some unusual reactions to the medication so I read the medicine’s information leaflet to find out whether I should be pre-booking a bed in a nearby emergency room. Now I’m the type of girl that is easily given to excessive anxiety so I really shouldn’t watch CSI late at night or read these medication l...

Last week I attended a national school drummies competition in which my friend’s two children were participating. I spent 3 hours watching hundreds of children perform; only a very small percentage of which were my friend’s kids. And it was dazzling! I have never seen so many sequins assembled in large, shimmering, organized packs within a 500m radius. They really should give spectators at these events complimentary sunglasses to prevent sequin-induced retina damage. But by the end of the event, I must admit, I left with sequin envy; thoroughly convinced that my wardrobe is incomplete without the fashion awesomeness of a shimmering gold sequined number. Seeing as I’d never experienced a drummies competition I went with the naïve expectation that it was all about maces, flags and choreography.  Rookie mistake. It’s all about blasting the music so loud your ears bleed! No, wait - maybe it’s also about synchronization. Some of these teams were so synchronized that they marched with ...