It is less than 1 week until Christmas; that curious time of year in which most humans of the masculine gender have yet to dedicate much mental activity to the topic “Christmas shopping.” The alarming spike in women receiving shower caps, air fresheners, or car windscreen wiper blades for Christmas can be traced back to modern man's last-minute approach to Christmas shopping - when, at around 10.30pm on Christmas Eve, many men initiate their shopping experience by driving to the nearest chemist or petrol station to purchase items that they think qualify as Christmas gifts women actually want.
Ladies across the globe are already working themselves up into an advanced state of ire over the situation as they feverishly wrap the 72.5 Christmas gifts they bought (way back in October) for family, friends, neighbours, work colleagues, the postman, the cat, the dog, and gifts from the cat and dog too.
Women don’t understand why so many men seem to be unable to commence their Christmas gift shopping earlier (like in June, for example). You see, we know men are capable of buying amazing gifts; the Bible and numerous Christmas cards attest to not only one but three men giving gifts of GOLD, frankincense, and myrrh to the baby Jesus.
Which brings me to the question we’re all thinking right now: what exactly is myrrh anyways? I don't know. But it’s probably made in China.
Now that we've straightened that out, let’s focus on what is really at stake here, which is the male gender's Christmas reputation. I have put considerable research into answering this socially significant issue and it turns out, men are making a massive Christmas effort! While it may seem like they're not doing much, they are kinda busy right now engaging with Christmas on a very fundamental level. In fact, they're waging war with it because, statistically speaking, Christmas is trying to kill them.
According to the Royal Society for Prevention of Accidents, around 80,000 people incur Christmas-related accidents or injuries during the 12 days of Christmas. Every year about 1,000 people are injured by their tree as they wrestle it into the house and try to subdue it with decorations (not mention those men who are mauled by enraged squirrels still residing in the branches). A further 350 people sustain electric shocks and burns by faulty Christmas tree lights.
Other typical Christmas-themed accidents include men stabbing themselves when building toys and falling off ladders while attempting to secure Christmas lights, blow-up snowmen, snowflakes, and a life-size wooden sleigh replete with Santa and nine reindeer to the roof.
Women are not aware of these statistics but even wildlife are familiar with them and elect to come out of hibernation to gleefully watch men, fuelled by Yuletide goodwill and eggnog, endeavour to survive Christmas.
Clement C Moore wrote the poem, ‘The Night Before Christmas’ in order to alert women to the danger that Christmas poses to men; 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse, because everyone was down at A&E, with Dad who'd been electrocuted by the Christmas tree.'
And, as if this hybrid of Christmas hazards wasn’t varied enough, men are acutely aware that the most dangerous Christmas peril of all lies within the confines of a shopping centre. And since his access to his pc and Amazon was cut off months ago by approximately 1 ton of Christmas gifts that his wife is storing in his study, he knows that in order to secure “good” Christmas gifts for his lady, he would be forced to enter a shopping centre - a place where he is more likely to sustain additional moderate injuries in hand-to-hand combat with hundreds of hostile and frenzied female shoppers over a trolley than experience 'peace on earth' or 'goodwill to all men.' So he stays home and yes, that means you may get another shower cap this Christmas... but look on the bright side; your man is still alive... and at least he never gave you myrrh.
Ladies across the globe are already working themselves up into an advanced state of ire over the situation as they feverishly wrap the 72.5 Christmas gifts they bought (way back in October) for family, friends, neighbours, work colleagues, the postman, the cat, the dog, and gifts from the cat and dog too.
Women don’t understand why so many men seem to be unable to commence their Christmas gift shopping earlier (like in June, for example). You see, we know men are capable of buying amazing gifts; the Bible and numerous Christmas cards attest to not only one but three men giving gifts of GOLD, frankincense, and myrrh to the baby Jesus.
Which brings me to the question we’re all thinking right now: what exactly is myrrh anyways? I don't know. But it’s probably made in China.
Now that we've straightened that out, let’s focus on what is really at stake here, which is the male gender's Christmas reputation. I have put considerable research into answering this socially significant issue and it turns out, men are making a massive Christmas effort! While it may seem like they're not doing much, they are kinda busy right now engaging with Christmas on a very fundamental level. In fact, they're waging war with it because, statistically speaking, Christmas is trying to kill them.
According to the Royal Society for Prevention of Accidents, around 80,000 people incur Christmas-related accidents or injuries during the 12 days of Christmas. Every year about 1,000 people are injured by their tree as they wrestle it into the house and try to subdue it with decorations (not mention those men who are mauled by enraged squirrels still residing in the branches). A further 350 people sustain electric shocks and burns by faulty Christmas tree lights.
Women are not aware of these statistics but even wildlife are familiar with them and elect to come out of hibernation to gleefully watch men, fuelled by Yuletide goodwill and eggnog, endeavour to survive Christmas.
Clement C Moore wrote the poem, ‘The Night Before Christmas’ in order to alert women to the danger that Christmas poses to men; 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse, because everyone was down at A&E, with Dad who'd been electrocuted by the Christmas tree.'
And, as if this hybrid of Christmas hazards wasn’t varied enough, men are acutely aware that the most dangerous Christmas peril of all lies within the confines of a shopping centre. And since his access to his pc and Amazon was cut off months ago by approximately 1 ton of Christmas gifts that his wife is storing in his study, he knows that in order to secure “good” Christmas gifts for his lady, he would be forced to enter a shopping centre - a place where he is more likely to sustain additional moderate injuries in hand-to-hand combat with hundreds of hostile and frenzied female shoppers over a trolley than experience 'peace on earth' or 'goodwill to all men.' So he stays home and yes, that means you may get another shower cap this Christmas... but look on the bright side; your man is still alive... and at least he never gave you myrrh.
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