Verbal High Fives

I recently went on an international flight. I was meant to fly on the 23rd of December but my flight was cancelled due to “extreme weather conditions” at my destination. “Extreme weather conditions” is a term used by airlines when their staff just want to take the day off. It is such an incredibly versatile term that it can be used by anyone in any situation. Allow me to demonstrate:  Mom: Jonny! Why did you hit your sister with a cricket bat?  Jonny: Extreme weather conditions made me do it! University Lecturer: Samantha, where is your final dissertation? Samantha: Extreme weather conditions ate it. CEO: Your honour, I could not fill in my company’s tax returns online for the last 10 years due to extreme weather conditions. In the end, I flew on Christmas Eve. Due to a backlog of passengers created by “extreme weather conditions,” my travel agent advised me to arrive at the airport 5 hours early to ensure I got my seat on the plane. I checked in and spent the ...

I was driving home the other evening in my friend’s car when suddenly … nothing happened! Literally; the car just died in the middle of a traffic circle [roundabout] . Fortunately the car had enough momentum left to exit the traffic circle and, as I inched along the road at a speed normally associated with a racing slug, I deemed it “somewhat ambitious” to try and still make it home by “travelling mainly downhill.” So I pulled over and there I was; stranded at 9:30pm in a dark side road with no street lights while the car enjoyed an ill-timed power nap. As I waited for my friend to come and tow me home, I passed the time by considering every conceivable type of danger (both real and imaginary) that could possibly befall me; a helpless maiden stuck in her snoozing chariot in the perilous night. In a matter of minutes, I’d thrown all logic aside and mentally tormented myself to such a degree that I was thoroughly convinced I wasn’t going to make it out of this experience alive – after ...

I am favorably inclined towards collecting. I have a long and vivid history of collecting things that serve absolutely no benefit to me whatsoever; such as funny magazine adverts and Boys2Men CDs. At one stage during my colourful teen years I was collecting an alarming total of 23 different things which, for the sake of my dignity, I shall refrain from naming. I am no longer a “collector” as such but I do have a fondness for hording, so last Saturday I decided it was time for a thorough spring clean. I ended up throwing out roughly 2 metric tons of arbitrary items I’d been saving for the last 7 years, including a wooden candle holder in the shape of a foot with a raised big toe that is ugly enough to call into question whether I should ever be allowed to shop for household items unsupervised. (Don’t judge me; I’m just as horrified as you are!!) At the end of my spring clean, I had a full garbage bag of old bank statements I wanted to get rid of. And, since I don’t own a shredder, ...

Oh, it’s a most wonderful time of the year – a brief couple of weeks in which one can get away with saying things like “Hark,” “Excelsis!” and “Troll the ancient Yule tide carol” and not even be detained for mental evaluation by the Straight Jacket Society. The Christmas lights are up and the Christmas music is playing merrily in the hallowed halls of the shopping malls. If you are an adult, it’s the season to be cultivating your stomach ulcers by means of shopping-induced stress, if you are a child, ‘tis the season to be freaked out by Santa. Upon visiting two local shopping malls within the last week, I have been somewhat distressed by their Santas. The Santa in the mall where I work is home-made, and it has a face-mask that has no eyes. As if that weren’t freaky enough, he is perched precariously on a ledge three storeys up and has a sign dangling from his neck that states ‘Suicidal Santa’ in large black letters!! The other mall’s Santa wasn’t wearing any underpants and had...